2025

 As I sit here enjoying big fluffy snow outside I'm thinking of 2025 and all that we have to be grateful for this year. I'm on call this New Year's Eve so I thought I'd try to get my Top Ten done early this year.

10) Manigotagan Trip 

This year we did a tried and true trip - our 3rd trip down the Manigotagan River. This time we took our oldest boys on our adventure. It was a new thing to have 2 boats and more gear as well as more responsibility for two other lives. The water levels were particularly low so there was stuff we certainly couldn't run but we had fun running the stuff that we could and checking out new campsites because we didn't quite cover our usual distances. It was lovely to see Charles again - the wonderful river steward who gave us big hugs as we left an we arrived back at his house. 

9) Spongebob Squarepants

Em was the lead in Spongebob Squarepants and she held her own with a lot of dialogue for the hour long show. We were so lucky to have lots of folks come out to support her including Uncle Paul, Auntie Karen and Morgan. So proud of how she continues to push herself. 

8) Our Stay Together Ride 

My little Suzuki has been with us since 2010 (almost as long as Cian) and it has been beyond reliable. With the exception of some brake pads and the alternator last year she never fails me. People mock her duct tape but I think that just gives her character. This summer we were altogether when her mileage turned over to 100,000 kilometres. I had seen a beautiful poem about being together in the big moments many years ago and how this kid's family was together in the car when it reached 100,000 and I wanted to all be together for the Suzuki too. It was lots of fun to roll down the windows, blast music and celebrate that milestone together. 

7) Great Outdoors Comedy Show with Mark and Leslie 

A year in advance Mark and Leslie got tickets to see an outdoor comedy show in Edmonton and gave us first dibs to come. It was perfect cause we were coming to Edmonton and happy to come hang out with them. The comics were hilarious and the weather was beautiful. We enjoyed each other's company and the show ended JUST before the rainstorm. It was a really lovely night.

6) Alice in Wonderland Halloween 

Sam and I have been working through the "classics" on Disney plus with Swiss Family Robinson, Jungle Book, Peter Pan and Alice in Wonderland. He loved the White Rabbit and wanted to do Alice in Wonderland this Halloween. Em and I also enjoyed that theme with our Alice in Wonderland afternoon tea in London. I enjoyed making all the costumes again including our very accommodating Queen of Hearts (despite his terrible fever on the day). Cian made his Mad Hatter Hat have 6/7 on it - a great way to incorporate that piece of pop culture. I also enjoyed decorating the house and it's fun to have little kids coming up to the house already guessing the theme. Halloween is my favourite. 

5) Folk Fest 

This year I volunteered for First Aid at Folk Fest. That was more of a misadventure than I planned with having to do a resuscitation on the forest floor when the ambulance took 25 minutes to get there. I've had to unpack that a few times as I don't think Folk Fest has what it needs from a medical perspective for a group that big. But despite that I did think my first aid crew was amazing - I loved working with them. It was a new experience for me and also a fun way to care for people with a lot less paperwork. It was also Sam's first Folk Fest which was a lot of fun - he loved it just as much as his sister because ALL of us his friends from school were there including one of his great loves, his kindergarten teacher, Vanessa. Our family is still big Folk Fest converts - we are hoping to take Keith next year - Sam thinks we can bribe him with beer. 

4) Rob and Rachel's Wedding 

Rob and Rachel planned a wedding where they could really incorporate their friends and their friend's kids and those kids (especially mine) felt all the love coming in their direction. They spent days preparing with decorating the hall, pedicures, hanging out as girls the night before and getting ready together. They had a dance mostly for Sam as he had been practicing in the kitchen all year. They had a brunch ceremony outside and reception inside the hall. Rachel kept telling us things were "not a big deal" and then we would find out from Rob that things like speeches were happening. We went up for an impromptu speech but it's not hard to speak from the heart when you see your friend be loved so deeply. We spent the whole day with them - preparing, eating, BBQing, talking and dancing. By the time Rachel carried Sam to the van we were all exhausted. My kids were so overwhelmed with happiness that they clutched their floral centrepieces and cried. It was a beautiful. day. 

3) Morrivardson Punta Cana!

In February we went with our friends on an all-inclusive adventure to Punta Cana. We stayed at a beautiful resort and had countless meals, swim up bar drinks, shows and activities. Cian and I went on a fishing trip where we caught no fish but the waves were so big that the only people that didn't throw up was me, Cian and the Navy Seal that was with us. The dads took Abby and Emily surfing and had an incredible time. We all went to see the monkeys that crawled all over you. We had beautiful weather and I fell in love with passionfruit mojitos. We are so grateful to have great friends that like to do these trips with us and are looking forward to our next adventure. 

2) The Girl Trip 

In October I spent two weeks with Em exploring London and Paris. I collated a scrapbook of advice from the women in her life that turned out beautifully and then the two of us went on this girl trip. We navigated the Underground, the Paris metro, a Seine river cruise, countless croissants, many many streets of both cities and saw beautiful historic places. We walked 170, 200 steps and all of them were full of memories and fun with this magical time with my girl.

1) Cosy Christmas 

This Christmas we were interested in staying home and cocooning after a fall (and winter) full of illness. Between the blizzard on December 18th and the continued snowfall it was really nice to be able to not have to go anywhere. We were very grateful that Emily started to finally feel better after Prednisone, antibiotics and 2.5 weeks of rest in her room from the respiratory illness that seems to be plaguing everyone this year. We were still able to have our annual traditions and mostly slow down and regroup for the year ahead. Hoping for a peaceful 2026 full of adventure but also times enjoying home together. 

The Girl Trip

 In October Emily and I went on a very special trip together to celebrate her adolescence. I wanted to do something to mark this time with her and originally we planned to go to New York but seeing as how the US is a bit terrifying at the moment we decided to pivot. Truthfully I think this was a massive upgrade because we decided to go to London since it's the other big spot for musical theatre and while we were there Emily asked if we could go to Paris and seeing as how the Chunnel gets you right there- why not? We took 10 days and had a little adventure. 

We arrived in London and took the underground to our little hotel called the Judd hotel. It was an adorable place with black and white checkerboard floors and friendly staff. We were up on the 3rd floor so it was like staying in Mary Poppins attic. Breakfast was in the basement so we always had a good meal to start our days. Em was certainly in love with the European appreciation of Nutella. 

The first night I got sick and was so worried I was going to scare Em in a new country where her mom was sick but she took it in stride and went down to breakfast by herself. I rallied by noon and was able to take in a show so we went to Hercules and really enjoyed that show at one of the most beautiful theatres I've ever been in. We had a muffin on Drury Lane and explored the theatre district. 

The following day we started our love affair with a hop on/hop off bus and was able to see loads of the London sights. We had grilled cheese at Borough market (Em says her dad's are better) and went over Tower and London bridge. We had enough time to take in the Alice in Wonderland tea party. I'm not sure who can get through that amount of food in an afternoon but we had several takeout boxes. 

The only thing we had planned was our tickets to Les Miserables. I think I cried from start to finish. Initially Em was enjoying it but it was similar to when she saw Hamilton - the first act was the set up and she didn't totally see the fuss. Then in the second act she cried through the whole thing too. They did a magnificent job. 

Our hotel was close to Kings Cross so we were able to walk to Pancreas station for the train to Paris. It was lots of fun to travel by train. You don't even realize you are under the English Channel.

We got to Paris and made our way to the 15e arrondissement. We had this sweet little room with a balcony off our bedroom and another little one in the bathroom - it felt very Parisian. Of course after dropping off our luggage our first stop was dinner and the Eiffel Tower. Paris is magic. I thought I would like it but I didn't realize how much I would love it. The lazy dinners and the outdoor cafes - it's so beautiful. We had dinner at Le Piquet and then headed to the Champs du Mars to see the Eiffel Tower. We got there as the sun was setting so it was beautiful to see it in the sun and then to see it sparkle! What a beautiful place. We went back the following day for a picnic. I think we saw the Eiffel Tower most days that we were there. 

The next day we went to the Luxembourg Gardens and Em wanted to bring our watercolour pens so we were able to sit and enjoy the gardens. We got our picnic from le Grand Epicurie and then headed to the Champs du Mars. We also enjoyed a hop on/hop off bus in Paris so that we could get around to see all the sites including the Notre Dame cathedral, the Louvre and the Champs d'Elessay. We walked A LOT. In fact we realized that Em can do almost anything for gelato. 

We definitely knew that we wanted to go to DISNEYLAND PARIS and that was an amazing day. We were getting good at navigating the Paris Metro (really the trick is confidence - we talk a lot now about boldly moving forward "PARISIAN CONFIDENCE") but that day we also had to navigate a regional train which we also managed to do and that got us right to the gates. It's a beautiful park. Very relaxed and easy to navigate but it's a bit surreal to wear coats at a theme park. Our knowledge of French kicked in about halfway through the line for Hyperspace mountain and we realized we were going upside down on this roller coaster in the dark but we were already almost at the ride soooo... Parisian confidence! We had a lot of fun and actually it was our last ride of the night too. We had crepes at the park with Nutella (because we  could) and tried to make sure we hit the rides only available in DISNEYLAND PARIS. We saw Mickey while in line for Haunted Mansion, we saw a big parade that was beautiful, we did the tea cups and Crush's coaster with spinning turtle shells. As this trips straddles childhood and adolescence it was a magical day to include. I think we will always love a good Disney day.

Our last day in Paris we enjoyed the Louvre before it was broken into. The museum is overwhelming but we saw a few of the key pieces. We walked in the Toulieres and explored and finished our whole trip off with a night cruise down the Seine river with the sparkling Eiffel Tower in the background. 

Em navigated our adventure with ease and my hope is that these 10 days showed her that the world is big but also small and full of a lot of beautiful people (like the ones in Pigalle who helped us when she had a nosebleed near Moulin Rouge). The world is navigatable and beautiful and you are just at the start of all your adventures kiddo. I'm so glad I got to go on this one with you. 

Grannies

"I know you give because you want to

Don't you think it's time you learn to let yourself receive?"

"I Was Born To Love You" - Ray LaMontagne

I've listened to this song a lot on my current playlist but these lyrics really hit me in the chest as I thought about writing this morning.

I think most people would classify me as a pretty open person, even audaciously so, and that is true. But the really precious pieces of my life I am more careful about. 

This new year has felt like a renewal of priorities for me. For some reason I was able to slow down enough to see the passage of time this holiday season and really take stock of the last few years and what I'm looking for moving forward. I can work hard. I don't think anyone would deny that. Being a workhorse is a big part of my identity and that was amplified in the pandemic. I had my babies, I was in a position to work hard and I did - I worked really really hard.  If I wasn't working I was feeling guilty about not working because I knew how much need there was. I could be completely consumed by the volume of work and my sense of self within it because when you commit so many hours to something you become really good at it and I have said before work is sometimes easier than other aspects of life because that is where my capabilities shine because that is the place I have invested the most time. But going back to Edmonton at the holidays started chipping away at the shell I built around the certain parts of my heart, not the doctor parts or the mama parts but the parts of me as a woman in mid-life.  The hugs and love from cousins and college friends and people who knew me without my major titles of doctor and mother were the catalyst to start feeling comfortable at looking at those parts of myself again.

My most important work in my new administrative role is the work we have been doing with Indigenous Health.  That was the number one priority for me when I applied for the job and navigating this process has taken me places I never would have expected. The biggest unexpected gift has been partnering with the Grannies at the Women's Health Clinic. I came to the Sacred Fire at the Dancing Northern Lights not knowing anyone and was greeted so warmly especially by Grandma Louise.  So often when I meet people it's what I can provide for them whether as their physician or as the section head of Peds Gyne or the site head of the building. Here was a woman who asked nothing of me other than what was on my heart. When I shared with her my distress around CFS experiences at HSC and wanting change she smiled eyes to eyes and heart to heart and said "Amanda we can do this." That was a loud but gentle knock on the part of my heart that I was keeping really protected - let us in, we can do this.

We have had a few meetings now - all in circle and each time I feel less alone and more a part of a community. So on Wednesday when Grandma Louise emailed me that she wanted to meet before our next meeting that became my top priority. Do you want to come over for lunch on Friday? 

Friday morning Grandma Louise and Grandma Jeannie in their beautiful ribbon skirts came up the snowy steps of our house for lunch. They meandered through the kitchen and looked out to the river and through the bookshelves just like my own grandma would have done. We sat down at the dining room table with the china that my Oma bought for our wedding. Grandma Louise brought berries which has meaning in her culture but also has meaning in mine as my refugee grandparents spent their summers picking those berries in the Fraser Valley and so did I as a little girl. My mom's quilted centerpiece was under the candle in the middle of the table and a basket from the Sacred Forest in Kenya and surrounded by the cookbook on the counter of my grandma's best recipes with her and her outstretched arms on the cover and the photograph on the wall of my grandfather at the head of the table on the porch with all my great aunts and uncles; over these elements Grandma Louise asked me how I became a doctor. I could see reminders throughout the house of all of the people who supported and loved me to get to where I've gotten today: pictures of Catherine and the community in Salima who decided I should become a doctor, the little birch bark canoes that Phil's grandma made for our wedding, I shared with her that my grandfather had been the janitor of the hospital when I grew up and how I wanted to be just like him when I grew up because he was so loved and respected. "So it was really a calling Amanda". She asked me with the curious heart of someone who has seen so much in life and I felt so seen and cared for.  Grandma Louise is powerful and grounded and that energy is missing in our work and so needed. Grandma Jeannie is an artist and being around her is like if a person was molded around a sunbeam.  After our last meeting at Odeimin she came out to tell me she had an idea for a mural that is incredible and I was worried they wouldn't let us put it on the wall "We'll build our own wall - it's going to be great" and then she gave me a big hug. I was post-call and I think I could have moved mountains after that hug. The lunch at our house was about how big we could dream. What do we want to create at the hospital and how we could begin to achieve that. What I thought this was going to be when we started has shifted. There are the tangible pieces of shared programming within the hospital and in community that I think will be incredible. The ideas on how to make people feel more welcomed in our sterile space. All of the concrete things that I hoped would come out of this group. But there are some big things I hadn't anticipated. I hadn't expected that the sharing circles we have had where beautiful and creative decisions have come out in organic ways is how I want all important meetings to be. If we are talking about improving things I want people who have been directly impacted to share their experiences and their ideas for moving forward in a meaningful way. There is some resistance to that approach but I have seen a new way now and I don't think I can go back. 

But when Grandma Louise asked me what my big dream would be - the one you are sort of nervous to share cause it seems too difficult - I want people to leave their work and leave the hospital with the feeling that I get when I spend time with the Grandmas. They fill my heart right up to the top and the hard stuff in my job doesn't feel as hard because I feel so seen and cared for and listened to when I am with them. I didn't earn this feeling. Truthfully everything about white supremacy and colonialization should deny me this privilege but I feel freely loved. And that gives me wings and fuels my spirit.  

In my life the two words most commonly used after "universal" are "health care" and "love". So much of health care is devoid of love - it's been beaten out of us as health care workers and it's what patients are most looking for when they need care. When I hear from patients about their bad experiences in the hospital it is rarely because of a missed diagnosis or medication error - it's that they didn't feel cared for. Health care workers don't feel cared for either and that's why physicians who already make a lot of money keep asking for more - thinking that the gaping hole they feel can be satiated by a higher income.  

I would like to centre this care and groundedness and love as the heart of the work we do.  I would like to weave it into everything so it is inseperable from reproductive health and can't be undone by someone looking to dismantle it.  If we put this work at the centre the garden of what we can achieve scientifically and medically will feel richer and more beautiful. Sooooooo just a small dream but something I think we can achieve with the guidance that is being offered. I am so humbled by this gift in my work and in my life. 

The hugs at my front door yesterday I still feel this morning. They felt familiar like the hugs my grandma used to give. Oh how she would have loved these women. 

After my time with the Grandmas I was able to go out skiing on the Assiniboine river walking past where we placed the ashes from the sacred fire from Winter Solstice and reflecting on all I have learned with fresh air in my lungs as the sun set over the city. 

After putting the kids to bed I had time to myself and I thought it was the perfect time to use the cedar bath ingredients that were given to me as a gift after our last sharing circle. I followed the instructions and as the cedar was soaking beside the bath I realized it was sitting on the little bench I have from my grandparents. The one my grandma would put out for me to sit in the garden as we waited for tea time with my grandfather when he came home from the hospital. I sent a picture to my mom saying that grandma felt near me all day and she reminded me that her birthday was tomorrow. How fitting that she sent me grandmas in my life when I was in such need of them. 

Cedar baths are for cleansing and purification and I woke up this morning feeling amazing. I am letting go of the work of the pandemic and looking forward to the work ahead. My grandma was an incredible baker and used to say "Put a little love in it". That's what I intend to do.  And I'm so grateful to find a group of people who've put a little love in me too.