My Grandpa

My grandfather passed away this past week.  He had just turned 90. 

I told Keith several years ago that when my grandfather passes away I will be a mess.  True to form – I did not disappoint.  Keith will turn in a corner in our house and I will be at the computer with tears streaming down my face.  Emily told me “Mom, I’m a little sad about your grandpa too – you can share my grandpa if you want.” And Cian slept on the floor beside my bed the night I found out and when I got up and went downstairs when I couldn’t sleep he woke up and followed me.  Despite my Grandpa reaching his milestone birthday a few weeks ago and having the opportunity to spend time with him just a short time before he passed away I can’t help feeling a little lost without him.

Losing my grandpa feels different than when we lost my grandma a few years ago.  We all stood at her grave wounded like we had witnessed a trauma.   Even though she died of cancer in her 80s it was shocking and felt unfair to lose her so quickly and violently.  My grandpa has faded without her.  In some ways we lost them together and now I just feel the aching pain of the finality of it all.  The two people that cradled my childhood are gone.   Despite watching them age in front of me I have never seen them as old.  They are still in their 50s in my head; strong and working in the garden.  My grandfather chasing me around with his shirt off – hanging me upside down as I shove raspberries or a plum in my mouth.  I think of our long walks as he bestowed the wisdom of a lifetime of hardship and adversity which never hardened him.  No matter where we walked someone would come up to him and be touched by his kind spirit –it was infectious. 

I have been planning some of the music for his funeral this week and I keep being drawn to songs from the Muppet Show, which seemed so strange and inappropriate but they kept coming up nonetheless.  Then I finally realized that we used to watch the Muppet Show after Wheel of Fortune.  I have memories of being fresh from the bath and sitting on his lap as the opening song would come on the TV in the little TV room- cosied up all together.  How lucky I was to have a childhood full of cosy memories and feelings like that.

Grandpa always had music playing in the house; usually loud hymns on the record player in the living room.  He usually made a joyful noise J.  When my mom called to tell me he passed away that’s exactly what I did – loud hymns and baking – it was like they were with me.  Poor Keith when I woke him up at 0730am insisting I was in desperate need of more eggs.

When I was a little girl my Grandpa used to get up really early to go work at the hospital and would be back mid-afternoon for tea time with my Grandma and I in the backyard garden.  When I would visit him at the hospital everyone clearly loved and respected him very much.  When I would get hurt, as children are wont to do – especially me, he would put his glasses on and sit me up on the bathroom counter, take out the hydrogen peroxide and the Q-tips and clean whatever wound I had gotten myself into.  So, of course, as a child I thought my grandpa was a doctor.  And I wanted to grow up to be everything he was.  I work at the operating room table instead of cleaning the operating room floor and I am liked in my job but I hope that one day I have the love and respect that my grandfather had in the hospital – by the doctors, nurses, everyone.  That kind of reverence comes from a lifetime of character and I hope to keep plugging away at it.  Mostly I want to do him proud.  The opportunities provided to me that he couldn’t even dream about – the divide is not lost on me and I am so very thankful for every opportunity as a grandchild of refugees.

Character is the defining feature of my grandfather.  He knew who he was and he made deliberate choices to be the kind of man that we all loved and respected.  He did not take the easy road.  He cultivated his faith and it truly was his foundation.  So much of my faith in God is because of how I watched God move in him.  He had tremendous compassion for all people.  He was Christ’s example in my life.  He was the example of a loving family man I searched for and found in a life partner.  He was my hero and I miss him terribly and I am so thankful to have had him in my life for 35 years. 

Rest in Peace Grandpa.  Picturing you and Grandma in Heaven together gives me such comfort.  We all love and miss you very much.