International Women's Day

I hate International Women's Day. It feels patronizing to have a day dedicated to half the world's population. I hate that it's pink and floral and doesn't seem to do anything to advance the fight of gender equity. Some people think that it's because the fight for gender equality is old news. That after "Me Too" and "Time's Up" that we have "arrived". This is particularly stark in contrast to the week I have had leading up to today, International Women's Day. Within this last week I have had several experiences which highlight all the ways in which the journey ahead is LONG. I did a surgical case in the middle of the night this week after a young person endured pain for days in which a similiar diagnosis in a boy would be diagnosed within hours. She suffered so long that her situation was dire when she got to me. I performed her operation and there is no billing code for what I did despite there being one for the equivalent operation in boys that is well remunerated despite it technically being an easier operation. This discrepency has been pointed out numerous times but is yet to be rectified. I operated on a different day last week with a female colleague. We complimented the male scrub nurse on his use of inclusive language when talking about partners and his care for providing a safe space for transgender patients. He, however, did not hear my female assistant numerous times when she asked for equipment over and over again. He was afronted by the fact that we said numerous male partners in both of our practices refused to get vasectomies and that we should be careful as "not all men" are like that. This is not what we said and we are both experts in the field of contraception. When I put one of my patients in position for surgery and got everything ready myself he thanked me for doing all the preoperative jobs. I said I was independent and he said that "some would say independeptn and some would say an overly strong sense of self-importance". I am used to men who are intimiated by me talking to me in this manner but I can guarantee a male surgeon would not be talked to this way. There is no use in reporting this person as I will be told I need to get a "sense of humour" even though anyone who knows me knows I already have a pretty great one. I did some planning for my daughter's 9th birthday this week. She has had a growth spurt and soon her body will start to change. She is 5 years out from the age I was when someone yelled out a car window to my dad "I want to f*&k your daughter." I was 14 and wearing baggy clothes and a baseball cap. I've started to think how I am going to help her navigate that and I hate that I have to start thinking about that and other mothers have to start even earlier than I do. The moral injury that has happened to physicians over the pandemic is very real. We are not providing the care we want to because of the situation we are living in. This affects all of medicine in various ways. We often cope by talking to each other. In the last week I have had two uncomfortable conversations where I have brought up how the pandemic has affected our most vulnerable girls and even my colleagues don't want to hear about it. It's too painful. It's too much. But hiding it and not talking about it doesn't mean the problems of our most vulnerable patients are going away. Relegating these problems to the shadows doesn't help - I know it's because people don't want to look at it - but these problems are very real and only likely to get worse. These girls feel abandoned. I sat with a new mama who's boyfriend couldn't handle the stress of a new baby and bailed. That story, unfortunately, is an all too familiar one. I have had multiple conversations with female colleagues this past week who fight for their place in our system. Battling imposter system in the OR and in the lecture hall (or Zoom now). Who think they aren't good enough despite being leaders in their field. We see our colleagues even ones younger than us get more opportunity with less effort. The change is slow and we are told to be patient and thankful because it's "better than it used to be". That's one week and that's not even all of my examples. I want change. I want real, meaningful change. I want people to stop telling me that I should be grateful that we've come so far. I want male allies that step up, EVERY time to fight against the misogyny that is evident everyday. I want people to stop feeling bad for my husband when I talk about feminism - my husband is an ally, and an advocate and our marriage is wonderful and none of your business. I want my daughter and my sons to have to deal with none of the shit I am trying to fight against now. I don't want to make it a little better - I want to make it A LOT better. I don't need a Women's Day thank you very much - I see the incredible power and achievement of women EVERY day. I want CHANGE.

MORRIS POLAR VORTEX OLYMPICS 2021

 I am not a huge fan of the cold. 

I know I live in Winnipeg (Winterpeg) and that the Prairies are very predictably freezing at this time of year but it doesn't prevent me from wanting to hermit in the house and not go outside.  

However, today my friend gave me the wonderful gift of switching calls with me so that I could have an extended long weekend off and she LOVES the winter.  I tease
her about this but she is unreasonably enthusiastic about winter in this country. I thought we were just switching Saturdays but turns out in doing so she has an extended stretch of call which really made me feel I shouldn't waste the day staying inside being grumpy about how cold it is here (albeit predictably so I really can't blame the weather).

Instead I decided to have a super fun day as a family - polar vortex be damned!  We brainstormed lots of ideas of theme days today (so many I need to find that paper and save it for later) but everyone agreed on the Morris Polar Vortex Olympics.  Agreement when your children are 12, 9 and 3 is very hard to come by so I grabbed the opportunity.  

We watched some opening ceremonies from the 2010 Winter Olympic Games and it was fun to rewatch that.  Cian was a baby when that was on and I had forgotten how theatrical those ceremonies were.  It definitely got us in the spirit.  

We planned for the afternoon for festivities.  We had our Canadian flag (we decided we were all to be on Team Canada) and our maple leaf cheeks.  We made an Olympic "torch".  We serendipitously had 3 soccer medals each of the appropriate colour so we were set. Keith was his usual begrudgingly good-natured tagalong.

We started as every good sporting event would - with O Canada. I played it very badly on the violin and we (mostly Em and I) sang along.  Our opening ceremonies were throwing boiling water out on the back deck.  It's no choreographed multimillion dollar epic achievement but it was still mind-blowing if you are 3 years old.

We had 5 events planned: sledding, snow soccer, snow sprint, ice dancing musical chairs and moose riding. We proudly brought our Canadian flag everywhere we went.

First stop was sledding behind R.A. Steen Community Centre. There's a very short and quick sled there. The participants played on the "Olympic Village" fort while everyone took a turn.  Even our mascot the Moose got a turn.  Here's something interesting we learned - the blow-up moose will lose it's shape if temperatures are below -26 (feels like -35) We decided moose riding was an indoor activity. 

Gold Medal in Sledding: Cian! Cian's run garnered a lot of speed and he hit the fence at a place it was not tethered to the ground and he went right under the fence AND it took his toque off AND he wasn't hurt.  We all agreed he deserved Gold for that.

Next stop was Snow Soccer - it was the classic story of boys against girls.  Sam was very interested in the playground so his allegiance was quite split (as was his time).  Both teams made a solid effort.  Dad and Cian had a super cool move where Keith was walking easily toward our goal and then at the last second kicked the ball behind him to Cian who scored.  The girls played a much more aggressively aggressive game.  Sam even got a goal.  All had fun and we declared Snow Soccer a tie game!

We then did the Snow Race.  All 3 kids felt you needed to start in a runner's pose with your hands on the ground but I was not committed enough to touch the tundra in the Laura Second field.  I feel Keith may have thrown this one and might have ranked higher but I came in second! (parents can't medal as we are Olympic judges)

Gold Medal in Snow Race: Emily!

We then came home with the girls pulling all the boys (I had Keith and Sam in my sled). Sam had such a good attitude throughout our time outside (his sister was quite challenging - are we in preteen years yet?) so Gold Medal in Sportsmanship: Sam!

When we got home we decided to make our Maple Syrup taffy.  We had read how to do it but our first attempt sat in the freezing snow too long and was hard as a rock.  Second time was the charm here and you could almost convince yourself you were at Festival du Voyageur!

We then finished our last two games.  I wanted to have the chairs outside for Musical Chairs but I was vetoed.  Sam really got into the "dancing" portion of the Ice Dancing Musical Chairs and used the excuse to show off his excellent breakdancing moves. We then taught him musical chairs (which he LOVED) to the classic Canadian theme - the Logdriver's Waltz.  Em was the first one out here and learned additional valuable lessons about grace and sportsmanship. 

Gold Medal in Ice Dancing Musical Chairs: Cian!

Last but certainly not least was Moose Riding.  I'm glad we didn't attempt it outside as I think we would have had a decent chance of a broken moose.  Everyone enjoyed getting to ride the moose down the longest section of our house (from front door to back).  Sam loved being encouraged and loves that run everyday so it was a familiar course for him.  The kids did great.  The adults were less than stellar which the kids really loved. I somehow thought I would easily bounce on a tiny moose but at one point near the kitchen island I just crawled lying on top of it. I was at least better than Keith but that's not saying much. 

Gold Medal in Moose Riding: Emily!

We then did our Polar Vortex Olympic Medal ceremonies to each of the events.  The kids loved getting their permutations of medals over and over again to the sounds of Big Sugar's O Canada.  Sam especially loved getting a medal - he didn't care what colour it was he was just interested in getting one.  

We topped off our night with Beef Tenderloin French dip sandwiches and maple cookies and a viewing of the always fantastic Cool Runnings. Sanka was right I was "feeling very Olympic today!"

Stuck in a Pandemic with You

 Manitoba is in the middle of a cold snap.  It is way too cold outside (for penguins and every other mammal).  None of us are particularly interested in freezing our tails off so we're staying put inside.

We're heading into almost a year of pandemic life.  It feels like we've lived this way forever and yet a year still surprises me.  There have certainly been ups and downs.  This kind of life is almost entirely Sam's understanding which is wild and I wonder how that will affect him moving forward.

Spending so much time in your house really makes you evaluate how you feel about the people who live there with you.  I'm so thankful that I love the people in this house more and more each day.  I hope this time together solidifies our connection as a family.  If I have to be stuck in a pandemic - I am sure glad it's with these four amazing humans. 

New Year's Letter 2021

 HAPPY NEW YEAR!

We hope this letter finds you well.  Our family of 5 has had similar feelings to most of you while leaving 2020 behind with hopes that 2021 brings better times.  We can’t really complain though because for the most part our family has had it pretty good this year.  Yes, I had to work in a pandemic with all the anxiety and unknowns that brought into our lives, but we have been spared a lot of the hardship other people have experienced this year.  We have thought a lot about those severely impacted by this pandemic and are hopeful the vaccines improve things ASAP. 

Here’s the best of 2020 from the Morrises:

Keith 

Keith would like everyone to know that he has cared for three kids and a household at home during a pandemic and done so successfully all while being…A MAN.  Being a stay at home dad has made him even more of a feminist than he was before.  He has done an incredible job of keeping everyone sane and staying sane himself.  Our little house wasn’t completely designed to hold 5 people all the time but it’s managed.  We are very lucky that we have a stay at home parent in our house so it was easy to pull our kids from school even a week before requested in March.  Online school would have been a bit easier for Keith to help with if Sammy wasn’t around causing trouble, but we would miss the constant presence of his shenanigans.  In the summer we bought a play structure and gave it new life as our summer “project” and Keith didn’t divorce me even though the project was a bit more complicated than anticipated, so that’s a win. Our marriage is still 16.5 years strong!

Highlight of 2020: Soccer in the summer.  The kids (and their dad) love soccer and we thought they wouldn’t get a season this year with the pandemic.  Fortunately they decided to proceed with soccer but in the summer instead of the spring.  With so many other activities canceled in the summer having soccer 4 nights a week was a fun way for us all to get outside and for Keith to finally get to interact with other adults.  It was less stressful in summer than spring and Keith secretly hopes that’s what happens next summer too. Yay soccer!

Cian 

Cian entered Grade 6 this year which seems surreal.  His biggest interest is getting his own phone which he will likely get when he goes to Gordon Bell next year. He enjoyed ice camp with Scouts in January before the pandemic hit and won an ice fishing award.  He also helped his Opa build his new bedroom in the basement which is pretty cool.  He is all set up down there now and isn’t really a “kid” so much anymore (cue sobbing from his mother).  Cian started piano lessons and he went to his first concert - Wilco. In the fall Cian started horse riding that incorporates occupational therapy/core strength. He loves it and his strengths get to shine there which is so lovely to see as parents.  I fully expect to spend more time with Cian in a barn. 

Highlight of 2020: Family and friends and playing games with his new Star Wars headset.

Emily

Emily started Grade 3 - she’s in the French program. She did very well when I told her the day before her 8th birthday (March 15th) that we would have to cancel her birthday party because of the pandemic.  Good thing I had knocked it out of the park last year with her Harry Potter birthday spectacular.  Instead of a birthday party we took advantage or her big brother moving out of her room and transformed it into her Harry Potter sanctuary.  We made a big mural on her wall and had lots of fun doing that together. She took to online school very easily and had Wednesday zoom chats with her friends.  Emily went on her first overnighter canoe trip with her mom and big brother and loved it.  She didn’t even complain on the portages. Emily wants everyone to know she fell in love this year…with tacos. 

Highlight of 2020: Going to the cabin just before Christmas and spending 3 days tobogganing with her brothers.  

Sam

Sam spent most of 2020 doing his favourite activity…eating. You can almost always find him in the kitchen with crackers, craisins or his favourite; FRUIT.  He likes to “help” with unbagging the groceries so he has first access to any fruit entering this house.  Sam loves being outside, especially with his siblings or in the carrier on the back of mom’s bike.  He is the most dramatic and hilarious of the Morris children and loves to perform for his bigger siblings who dote on him. He has been everyone’s joy during this pandemic. 

Highlight of 2020: Fraggle Rock 2nd birthday. Sam was the only person who got a typical birthday in our house this year and he had a great one.  We had a few families over for Sam’s favourite, spaghetti and meatballs, and he had a Fraggle Rock birthday cake.  

Amanda

Hot off the heels of my amazing trip to Australia in December 2019 I found myself watching the brewing pandemic. There have been lots of unknowns and constant updates and changes to PPE and N95 masks. The pandemic has made it harder to care for patients but it also has been an inspiring time to work with such amazing colleagues.  I changed call groups this year and I have had such amazing support in my group which has been a highlight of 2020 for me.  I had a wonderful day at Festival du Voyageur with my friend Paul before the lockdown. I got very close to my friends Vanessa and Steph at work and Steph’s son Ben was born on my birthday.  Vanessa and I paddled the Manigotagan River this year and have put our deposit down for the Nahanni in NWT in summer 2021.  Keith signed me up for violin lessons as I had been wanting to do that and I am really enjoying learning an instrument as an adult (even over Zoom) Our nephew Charlie was born safely at the end of March.  Even under mask and goggles I still get to go to a job I love and care for people and that is a real gift. 

Highlight of 2020: Spending so much time together as a family of 5. Whether we are having “Movies and Snacks” on Fridays or playing outside or dressing up as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (our halloween costume) I know these times are precious and fleeting and I am so thankful for them.

May 2021 bring renewed hope to us all.  We think of the families and communities who have lost loved ones to Covid-19 or to other illnesses because of the pandemic. Our hearts are also with people who have suffered economic hardship and isolation.  This has been a hard year for many and I hope that 2021 brings hope, laughter, smiles that we can see and HUGS. We love you very much and no pandemic can take that away.  Stay healthy and well friends.

Love,

The Morris family 

Doctoring in a Pandemic

When I became a doctor 13 years ago it did not occur to me that I would be faced with a medical challenge this global and all-encompassing.  It's been interesting to reflect on my response to Covid-19 starting in January when I was watching what was happening in China. I knew it was coming but I never predicted it was coming here to such an extent.  I am sure there are amazing leaders in public health that did and I am inspired by the incredible work of the people (the majority of whom are women) who are leading our country as we battle this.

I seemed to have a more Draconian response than most when we had our first case in Manitoba. I felt that all patients who tested positive should be kept quarantined in hospital and that all health care workers should be quarantined in hospital until it was all over. I realize that is an unsustainable and somewhat inhumane solution but it was my immediate reaction. I had routines on how I entered and exited our home even before we ever had a case here trying to minimize the exposure of my family. I know that people thought it was overkill but that was not how I felt and I couldn't figure out why.  And then I realized I was perhaps raised quite differently as I had a very strong connection to my grandparents. 

My grandparents did not traumatize me with stories of their youth but they did make me aware.  I think that I heard more than a lot of my cousins because my grandparents were younger when I was born and I also spent a lot of time with them in my first years of life. I had a wonderful childhood with them full of love and sunshine and caring but I always knew that badness could be around the corner at any minute.  The "Russians" were always coming. (This is not a slight against Russian people this is just historically what happened in their context).  There was never a day where my grandfather didn't raise his voice in prayer thanking the Lord for the safety and security of life in Canada.  He knew what it was like to not be safe and he knew that could change very quickly. In their own ways they taught me to be prepared: live well below your means, always have a good amount of money in the bank and stock in the pantry because you "just never know". So when this happened I don't know if something clicked in my epigenetics or in my medical training but I knew this was it. 

When we pulled the kids out of school the week before they closed the schools we didn't really tell them when they were going back cause we didn't really know.  Even though they said three weeks I was sure it wouldn't be that so they were prepared for the news that the rest of the school year is non-existent. I am incredibly thankful that Keith is their primary parents at home because it has instilled such excellent mental health and self-esteem in all of them and that has served them well as they face this. They haven't complained about being home.  School isn't Cian's cup-of-tea so he was pretty pumped for school to be out but Emily loves school so I was more worried for her.  She is far more pragmatic than her mother however, which is such a gift, and she is enjoying being home with her brothers.  Sam thinks everyone is home for him so he is ecstatic.

At work it seems that this pandemic has widened the cracks that were already there. As in any good crisis some people rise to the occassion and some people's baser instincts take over. I have been inspired by the former and saddened by the latter. My friends who work in infectious disease have been outstanding. They have been leaders in the province and the country and they have been thoughtful and scientific and thorough.  I truly feel honored to know them. Sadly the concerns that were present before the pandemic that were clearly identified by people and fell on deaf ears continue to be a more pressing concern.  This will be more and more worrisome should our numbers increase and our health care workers fall sick or have to isolate. In general however I choose to look at the people I am proud to work with - and there are so many.  Everyone is affected by this pandemic and for so many it has meant financial ruin with lost business and layoffs.  I am so lucky to get to continue a job I love.  To work beside people who show up every day to care for people at their most vulnerable. When I focus on that I strengthen my resolve.

I have been inspired and heartbroken by the stories coming out of the "hotspots".  I pray every night for those health care workers and for us, that it doesn't come here in such an overwhelming way.  I also hope we come out of this with a different perspective. As far as I know there has never been an event so global in its reach and perhaps for some it will be a "call to arms" in a different way.  A reminder that we lived better when we loved better. When we watched out for each other, when we took more breaks, where we provided some distance, where we filled our lungs with fresh air and sunshine that we lived better.  I hope that Churchill's words are true - that we should "never waste a good crisis". Let us not waste this moment or the moments that come after - both personally and together as a world.

Feeling Fabulous at 40

In October I turned 40.

I don't get too hung up about birthdays.  Mostly I am thankful I got this far as I have held the hands and hearts of people that didn't.  I do get contemplative on my birthday though.  I tend to take stock of what's happening in my life and what I want to accomplish and experience and make sure I am set up to do just that.  I think because I am loud and outgoing people think I am extroverted but truly I am a little introverted.  Hence the biggest gift I could receive on this big birthday was a few days on a trip by myself.  I am so thankful to have a partner that understands that about me.  My partner is the biggest gift of these forty years - everything is better because of him.

I have been thinking about women at 40 and what that would look like for me.  My hopes had been to get into "really good" shape by my birthday.  A few things prevented that goal - one of which is having a 3rd baby at 38 who is the absolute joy of our family.   Then I got busy with motherhood and medicine and pushed working on my body to the back burner.  I do not beat myself up about this.  I will likely get back to working on my body again but not from a point of vanity.  I am deeply loved just the way I am.  Mostly because I know it's an important part of taking care of myself which is something that tends to get sidelined if I am stressed.  Bodies are a funny thing to talk about because they are often wrapped up in self-worth.  I rebel against the idea that my worth is wrapped into my weight or my youth.  In fact I am pretty liberated by the fact that I am 40 now and I am taking no shit.  Things I would have tolerated before I just don't anymore.  I will take up space.  I have existed on this earth, have experience and knowledge to share and I do not need to be smaller to make you more comfortable. When I was younger a friend's husband said that my personality "filled up a room".  It was not a compliment.  That is until my husband said "Does this room make my personality look fat?" - a quip we use to this day.  My personality does fill up a room though and I have exhaled it into the corners of spaces - I exist not to make others feel small but I won't dim my light so that you feel more comfortable.  Come shine with me.

So sitting here on the stunning balcony of my amazing apartment in Trinity Beach in Queensland looking out to the Coral Sea I want to talk about something that women so often don't want to talk about.  This is my love letter to my imperfect beloved body.

This trip has been a big realization for me - I am truly an expert in my field.  My brain carried me there.  I was very stressed coming to Australia that I was on a panel of experts with people who's papers I have read - experts in the field.  It wasn't until after I held my own on that panel (without my slides that didn't load) that I realized I was an expert too!  I am very lucky that my brain is a library of medical knowledge but also remembers my patients and their stories so when a patient came up to me in Melbourne with tears in her eyes from 6 years ago I knew who she was and her condition.  My brain is magnificent and I am so thankful for it. 

One of my favourite poems is by W.B. Yeats "When you are Old"

"How many loved your moments of glad grace, 

And loved your beauty with love false or true,

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you. 

And loved the sorrows of your changing face;"

I think of this poem often while I watch my face slowly change in the mirror.  While I do miss the woman with less lines on her face I am happy to have earned each and every one of them.  They are the proof of a thousand worries and tears, millions of bouts of laughter and smiles between friends and strangers.  My eyes may occasionally need my dark-rimmed glasses to properly read powerpoint or to protect me during surgery but they can still appreciate the beauty of novels, the faces of my children and the majestic Coral sea. This mouth of mine often gets me into trouble but it's also bold and brave.  I try to speak for the voiceless, the people who aren't afforded the mouthpiece of a white, cisgender woman of high socioeconomic status.  I still sing loudly and love to do so - as recently at the raucous dance party at the end of my conference in Melbourne (what a fun international work community!).  I still smile most of my day as I have so much to smile about.  This mouth has also shared countless kisses - with friends, with the children that I have been blessed to have as a part of my life, with my babies as they fall asleep and with the man I love more and more deeply after 15 years of marriage. 

My shoulders and arms have carried the weight of many worries - my own and those of my friends and patients.  I have cradled countless babies in my arms as they have left their mothers.  What a tremendous honour to be the first touch of new life as it enters the world.  That I get to make the transition of life a little less scary for babies as I love each and every one of them as I transfer them to their mama's chests or to the waiting arms of the skilled paediatric team.  I have cradled my own babies countless times.  I hope to fill their childhoods with hugs, kisses and love. I can't do everything for them but I can let them know how immensely loved they are and fill their human need for touch and connection.  My arms have wrapped around countless necks and waists in embraces all over the world.  I am a huggy person and I forgot how other cultures often embrace longer and how I really love that. 

These hands of mine can do amazing things.  They can play piano, write on this keyboard, make my children's Halloween costumes and braid my daughter's hair.  They can feed giraffes and pet kangaroos, hold birds and pat puppies. They can also cut you open, save the life of you and your baby and sew you back up again with a small scar you can barely see.  They can hold another person's hand in their happiness or grief.

My heart is my superpower beating in my chest.  It sustains this beloved body but it also pours love into everything I do and everyone I meet.  I care deeply and I have the courage to open my heart again, even when it has been hurt, to pour love out again and to be loved in return.  Love fills this big beautiful heart. 

My belly is not flat.  It bears the scars of birthing three children and removing a tumour that thankfully was not cancer.  That is my battle scar and it makes me feel like a warrior and I am not ashamed of it.  My belly is bigger than it's been in a long time and it may be smaller and bigger again - who knows?  As a good friend said - "Bodies are transient - good ones and bad ones."  This belly, the one I have right now is mine.  It works and it does not cause me pain.  It shows the evidence of countless amazing meals prepared with love.  It shakes when I laugh really hard (which is often). 

My hips have carried my children up and down stairs to bedtime.  They have propped up pregnant bellies when I deliver babies via c-section.  They have danced in countless countries with total abandon including my favourite place - our kitchen dance party.  Big or small - these hips move.

My legs and feet have taken me further than I ever imagined I would go.  They have stood on the Great Wall of China at sunrise, crawled into a Great Pyramid, ascended the steps of the Duomo in Florence and climbed down into a canyon (with Cian on my back) in Hell's Gate in Kenya. I have stood in wonder at Victoria Falls, Valley of the Kings, Chichen Itza, Kilimanjaro and the Masai Mara.  These legs have climbed onto an elephant in Zimbabwe, a camel in Egypt, a donkey in Greece, and horses in countless countries (those beautiful animals!).  My feet have squished into the pink sand of Bermuda and the white sand of Fiji, Grand beach and Bondi beach. I have dipped my toes into five of the Seven Seas.  I haven't been everywhere but it's on my list :) and I have been so fortunate to experience what I have, in part due to the healthy strength of my legs and feet. 

It isn't inherently easy to write positive things about one's body without caveats.  This piece of writing has been mulling around in my head for a while so I thought I would share it in hopes that other people would be reminded of all the things their bodies can do too.  Thank you to this body for 40 years of experiences.  I look forward to what the future holds. 

Backcountry Camping with Cian - Adventures on Caddy Lake

Cian is most definitely an outdoorsy kid.  He always loves being outside and being in a canoe and ESPECIALLY fishing.  Last year I figured that this summer he would be old enough for his first backcountry trip.  We are really trying to pack a lot into our weekends as I am working the remainder of the summer so we had picked this weekend without thinking that I would have a full OR day on the Friday.  I was trying to do the math and figure out how we were going to pack up, get the canoe, drive to the Whiteshell and paddle to our first campsite all after my work day.  It was stressing me out a bit as I would never typically start a trip that late in the day. When I got home though Cian was at the backdoor before I had even gotten into the garage so there was no changing our plans now.  We moved pretty quickly and got to the dock at Caddy Lake at 7:30 pm.  The fact that I had no idea where we were camping that night and the sun was already setting had not improved my concerns but at least the water was beautiful so we took off across the lake. 

We figured out where the first tunnel was as there was a canoe going out for an evening paddle and they were ahead of us.  When we got to the opening of the tunnel they were coming out and we were going in and they warned us it was dark.  Cian was very brave and I at least put my brave face on.  He immediately put his headlamp on but listened when I said please don't turn it on as I had heard there were bats in the tunnel and I was sure that the Batman origin story of a million circulating bats in a confined space was not going to improve our canoe trip one bit.  We got onto the other side of the tunnel (I may have held my breath a bit) and there were tents with fires along the shore.  I had looked up where the pre-organized campsites were but they seemed to be occupied and at this point it was getting pretty dark.  There was an area a bit down from one of the campsites that was likely used as a shore lunch spot and that was where we stopped for the night.  Cian got a chance to use his headlamp as we set up my old little tent in the dark.  I was really impressed with my gear.  I have had my camping/canoeing gear for longer than I have been married and all of it is in pretty good shape. We went to bed that first night very late but happy in the sound of wind and waves.

We woke up later the next morning around 8-9 am.  There was already a bit of a breeze and I realized I would be heading into it a bit on the way up the lake to the second tunnel.  We boiled some water thanks to my friend Vanessa's little biofuel stove and had oatmeal for breakfast.  Cian's eating can be somewhat unpredictable.  He can sometimes eat very little (like on this trip) or a lot (half the eggs and a burger when we got home).  He especially doesn't eat when he is excited though so I should have planned for that. 

We packed up our camp and headed up the lake to the second tunnel.  It's quite a nice paddle and something I could do solo which is good as my 10 year old is more interested in looking around and eating trail mix than paddling. Several power boats passed us and Cian was inspired to start dreaming of the power boat he might buy one day.  Clearly they were in it for the fishing and that's where he wanted to be.  To be fair to him he might have been more satisfied in the canoe if I let him fish but I could not imagine trying to fish and managing hook entanglements. He was pretty happy though just to hang out and look for loons and beavers.  Just before the second tunnel we saw an animal run over the rocks and into the water.  Cian thought it was a marten (I didn't even remember Martens existed). The second tunnel is longer than the first and by midday when we were there we needed to make some noise to make sure there wasn't a power boat coming the other way.  It was pretty neat to see all the swallows nests.  Prior to going through the tunnel a train had gone by overhead.  That's the reason the tunnels were made in the first place so that when the railroad was created there was a management system for the water. 

On the next lake there were a number of fishing boats as well.  I would have never thought a power boat could get through those small tunnels until I saw it with my own eyes.  At this point we were looking for a campsite and I think we snagged the last one on North Cross Lake.  We saw the small metal pole at the shoreline and made a beeline for it.  There were some fisherman in a power boat close by and they told us they had never seen the lake that busy with campers.  They also thought we got the last site and it was a favourite.  We liked it from a distance and Cian was finally convinced that it had been a good idea to move our camp from our first location.  The guys had been fishing and asked if we were and I said that Cian had talked of nothing else all day (which was true) and was excited to get his rod out.  Unfortunately, despite our best efforts the line was super tangled and I spent a number of minutes looking at that mess without really a clue how to fix it.  Then there was a rain deluge that we spotted about 5 minutes before it happened so Cian and I quickly set up our tent and tarp before that soaked us "to the bone".  After that quick shower we turned our attention back to the rod.  The guys who had been at our site earlier were closeby and since Cian knew I wasn't figuring out anything quickly he took a big rock and planned to through it in the water on the side of our peninsula that they were on.  I suggested we just say hi (which is what we did) and ask for help (we did that too).  They were more than happy to oblige as they were already worried that "the little guy" wasn't going to catch anything from shore.  Our heroes names are Mike and Ricky.  Mike jumped on shore to fix Cian's rod (he cut the mess and started from scratch and fixed it in under 2 minutes) and out with Mike jumped the 3 little dogs in the boat.  They only had 10 legs between the 3 of them.  Turns out Ricky must have a thing for sad causes :).  They asked if we wanted to come in the boat and go fishing as they figured Cian would have more success there.  He was more than ready.  Fishing in a power boat and 3 dogs - what's not to love?  We hopped in the boat and were off.  Ricky had a fish finder - Cian didn't know he could love fishing more and then you add a videogame-type element to it?  The guys were amazing with him.  They gave him their rods and every time there was a bite on any rod he got to reel it in.  They taught him how to stick his thumb in their mouths to hold them so you didn't get poked.  They taught him how to release a fish (I didn't know how to do that).  They were so encouraging and awesome and I can't thank them enough for making a pretty great weekend trip an amazing one. 

They dropped us back at camp and we filleted one of the black crappies that Cian caught (I hate filleting fish but I hate it even more with a dull fishing knife 😣) We cooked it on the open fire and then made hot chocolate and smores. Much better than our planned dinner.  We planned to turn in early as I had calculated how early the morning start needed to be in order to get the canoe back to the rental place at noon in Winnipeg.  We read the classic Patrick McManus in the tent before turning in.  

I had set my alarm for 0430 and it was still dark outside (with the exception of the full moon) so I reset it to 0530.  I did get my lazy butt in gear that time. Here's my epic mom fail.  I put the other 2 fish that Cian caught that we didn't eat in a bag and tied it to the back of the canoe and kept it in the water so that it would be cool and less smelly.  Well I guess that the bag wasn't tied as tightly as I thought and when it filled with water the fish must have slipped out.  He took this disappointing news surprisingly well.  I know it will be a fish story he will tell on future trips.  "Mom, remember when you lost my fish in the lake?" 🙈 

It was much chillier this morning than it was the day before so it was not as inviting to get up.  I knew the earlier we got up though the easier it would be for me to solo paddle the boat back and the better chances we would have of a calm lake.  Cian was cold and had already asked the night before if he could sleep in the canoe.  I have slept in a canoe and it was amazing so I figured why not?  I packed up everything else and then he got in the boat and I brought him his sleeping bag and he cuddled up into the bow.  The water was stunning.  It was clear as glass and mist was rising everywhere.  With the full moon it was the perfect morning for a paddle.  Day had broken but the sun wasn't up yet and so the cool dim morning meant we saw lots of loons, beavers, ducks and eagles on our way back.  The mist on the lake was everywhere and it made the whole morning magical.  We got through the second tunnel and there was just enough light and mist to make it enchanting.  The paddle back seemed much easier than the paddle there.  I was hoping for a tailwind and the universe obliged.  Cian tried to make his raincoat into a bit of a sail but we will have to work on that skill on a different trip.  The tail wind was definitely a wonderfully welcomed thing. We barely saw a power boat (or anyone else really) this morning and it was a quiet perfect morning on the water.   Everything timed out like clockwork.  On the water by 0600, at the boat dock at 0900 and packed up with the canoe strapped down just after 0930. Cian was a great help with packing up the car and strapping down the boat (a much better help than paddler but I expected that). We got back to the canoe rental place with 5 minutes to spare. 

Cian and I had a great time and I hope this is the first of many backcountry trips together.  Preparing for it made me nostalgic when I dragged out all my gear. It reminded me of my 20 year old self and her love of being outside and how I haven't lost that even with all the years between her and me. I love teaching Cian stuff outside and seeing him really in his element.  He is such a good sport about school but that is not his love.  He does love being outside and with animals and doing things in nature and I love sharing that together.  His appreciation and sincerity are such amazing gifts and I love those qualities about him so much.

(this morning)

Cian : Mom do you see the sky?

Me: Yup it's pretty...

Cian: YEAH...PRETTY AWESOME!!

Driving home cocooned in my little car with the Wenonah on the roof I was listening to Ani diFranco while Cian played a game.  I am glad I haven't lost sight of the things that make me "me".  That I can fall into a paddling trip like I did it days ago rather than decades.  That sterning a boat is like breathing.  That I can still be mesmerized by a misty calm lake.  To share all of that with Cian this weekend was amazing.

" I do it for the joy it brings

Because I am a joyful girl

Because the world owes me nothing

And we owe each other the world

I do it because it's the least I can do 

I do it because I learned it from you

And I do it just because I want to 

Because I want to"

- Ani DiFranco

Hanging out at our second campsite

Double fish awesomeness (Thanks Mike!)

Here we see Cian in his natural habitat eating his regular diet of wraps...

waterlilies are beautiful

Misty lake and the second tunnel

Chilly morning at the tunnels

Late night start to our canoe trip 

Cian packing up our first campsite (complete with headlamp)

First time through the second tunnel

Second campsite on North Cross Lake

My early morning "paddling" buddy - cosy in his sleeping bag

Entering the second cave in the dark early morning

Our heroes Ricky and Mike - sometimes angels drive power boats.