The Beauty of Grey

 I had this really interesting interaction this week that is still mulling around in my head.  

One of my senior colleagues was inappropriate with me a few months ago.  His behaviour would have probably been appropriate 30 years ago and I actually feel most of it was unintentional but regardless it left me in a position to report it.  And I did.  I held no ill will towards him but I felt it was my duty to call out behaviour that was not right when I had all the power and privilege to do so.  The process was convoluted and honestly a bit ridiculous but in the end he was spoken to about it.  I chose to remain anonymous in my report because my identity did not matter - the behaviour change is what mattered. 

Cut to a few months later and I am speaking with him about an entirely separate issue.  We have this beautiful interaction discussing out passion for being "shit disturbers" and the importance of history and legacy and honouring our teachers and mentors.  He signs off his email before our call with "By the way I really admire what you are doing in your practice and teaching".  And then on our call together he again says "Amanda I really admire what you are doing...I am really proud of you." It was such a beautiful phone call and I was so happy to have that time to talk to him.  It meant a lot to me.  AND I am really proud of myself for reporting the behaviour so that I was open to receiving that interaction without resentment or bitterness.  

So much of life seems black and white right now and usually the truth lies somewhere snuggled in between.  Most people are not all good or all bad.  Your teachers can do something wrong and still be so kind and meaningful in your life.  What a gift to say aloud to someone how proud you are of them.  As the snow melts this morning and all the snowhills around me turn to grey with the power of spring I am reminded of how beautiful grey really can be. 

The Problem with Persistence in Resistance

 I've had some difficulty this week with a decision that was made by leadership at work.  In response I resigned from a particular committee that I was hoping would be more than it turned out to be. 

I was asked to reconsider in an email that was very flattering about my ability to make changes and praising my knowledge and experience.  However, I do not think I will reconsider.  I have been reflecting a lot on why I am going against my usual direction of dogged persistence even in the face of systemic resistance. 

"Nevertheless she persisted" - Elizabeth Warren

I have the ability to persist indefinitely.  I've proven that along with so many of my colleagues over the course of this pandemic.  I can put my nose to the grindstone and push through almost any obstacle and continue on.  I have no doubts I could do that here - I've done it over and over - my ability is not in question.

The difference is that I think I'm starting to realize that this request is a well-crafted and very well-intentioned falsehood.  If you have a problem that needs resolution but a leadership structure or leaders that are not highly invested in change the person most invested in that change (aka me in this particular situation) will beat themselves up trying to change something that does not have the environment to be able to make that change.  It's like trying to grow a papaya in Manitoba - I could be the best gardener in the world but it just ain't going to happen.

This is quite a difficult position for me to take because I ALWAYS persist.  I have lived my whole life persisting and, looking back, I can tie some of my need for persisting to watching my dad persisting in a similar situation to the one I currently find myself in and choosing to persist (with absolutely every good intention as he always has) and it eating him up inside.  My heart this week is reminding me of that and whispering louder and louder "choose a different path"...

When I was younger our family (in the setting of real injustice that happened to my brother) was faced with some very real heartache.  This heartache was partly due to the fact that there was no process for what happened and it left everyone traumatized.  My dad was in a leadership position (but not the top leader - truthfully kind of like where I am now) and decided (again with every good intention) to help the leadership through a proper process even when it came to his own kid.  He fell on his sword and at the time it seemed noble.  It seemed righteous and honourable and my dad is all those things.  The situation my dad found himself in however was not those things.  And despite his best efforts things happened in a way that was gut wrenching and awful and it affected all four of us in ways that we probably all haven't completely processed.  My dad was disillusioned, my mom was traumatized so badly it was like she was assaulted, I put my entire core identity into fighting against every injustice and my brother was victimized (probably twice since he also saw what happened to his family).  It was life changing for all of us.  

One of my colleagues in a meeting once said about change "another day, another way".  At the time I felt like that was a cop out.  I thought you should just push harder and be louder and fight stronger.  I have always understood strategy but I have not always understood nuance.  That phrase is starting to resonate more and more. 

Mennonites have this thing about missed opportunities especially those of us that descended recently from refugees.  So the email providing me with the opportunity to persist and work to make things better resonates so strongly and appeals to my nature of wanting to make things better.  The pull is strong. But I am older now and (hopefully) wiser and know that the seeds of opportunity needs to be planted in soil that believes change is important and possible.  If the soil isn't right it's just not going to grow.  My grandparents probably told me that somewhere along the way and I didn't hear them - saying no and trusting myself does not dishonour their lack of opportunities - it honours the wisdom they instilled in me.

Nopiming

We had a wonderful few days at Nopiming Lodge.  Brenda and Blaine always take such good care of us there and this year we needed lots of help as we couldn't seem to get a DVD player that worked and Em had her heart set on the last Harry Potter movies.  The FOURTH attempt was the charm and it was magic. They are the best.  

Nopiming means "into the woods" and into the woods we indeed went to lose our minds and find our souls as John Muir would say.  This song was on my mind on this trip and certainly resonated our feelings there.  

Thanks Nopiming Lodge for being our winter solace. 

https://youtu.be/ZfVYtxs6QWA

 

2021 comes to an end...

As most healthcare workers (and people in general in the world) I am pretty sick of the ever-present COVID apocalypse that appears to have no end in sight.  I am struggling with even thinking of a world where I don't have to deal with this virus that has taken over everything about how we live and work.  

BUT...

There are always pockets of joy, resilience and happiness and below are pictured some of mine.

Here is my 2021 TOP TEN:

10) In person school - All 3 kids have been in school IN PERSON since September.  Cian started at a Grade 7-12 school (Gordon Bell) and bikes or takes the city bus and got his own phone for that purpose so we really have a big "kid" in our house now. Sam started preschool with Mrs. Tompkins like his brother and sister did before him and he LOVES school.  He might love school the most.  He cries when Keith comes to pick him up he loves it so much.  I am hoping they all still get to stay in person for the rest of the school year. 

9)  My new office - after a rotating office situation at work I now have my own office.  I love having my own office so very much.  I love that people find it a safe space to come and vent and cry.  I love decorating it with stuff that feels like me and look forward to doing that a bit more in 2022.  Now that my gynaecology clinic has moved from St Boniface to HSC all my clinical work is in the same space and despite a few expected hiccups (and a few unexpected ones) this has improved my life a lot.  I spend a lot of time at work and I'm happy to have a space to call my own there.

8) Christmas Cabin - this year we went to Nopiming for a few days again to spend some time together as a family.  It is a highlight of the year for me.  I might even like going to the cabin more in the winter than the summer! The cosiness of the fireplace and the hot tub on the deck lend itself so nice to the perfect winter cocoon getaway.  The hill outside is just enough for the kids to go out on their own at their whim.  We pack the van full of music and crafts and food and spend our days enjoying each other's company.  It's really a great way to unwind over the holidays.  We are hoping our new house will provide that without the 2.5 hour drive but we are lucky to be able to call Nopiming home for a few hibernating days in the winter.

7) Canoeing - my friend Vanessa and I had to change our summer canoeing plans many times due to floods and fires but eventually were inspired by Ric's new book and took the big drive to Northern Saskatchewan to go paddling where I used to guide.  It was an incredible trip - serendipitously full of people I used to work with who I still love with my whole heart.  We flew out to Paull Lake and paddled back to Missinipe.  Vanessa had done all the food (which was delicious) and I still had my guiding chops even after 20 years. We left in summer and returned in autumn and saw the leaves change colour as we paddled.  We had beautiful weather and soaked up our time recharging out in the wilderness.  

6) Wedding Bells - In September our sister (Keith's by blood/mine by choice) Sue got married in Kelowna.  Despite ever changing rules with Covid she managed to get it done and it was a beautiful day.  Emily was the flower girl and she was SOOOOOO excited to have such an important job.  We loved celebrating with family and sharing wedding fun with the kids all of whom had an amazing time helping prepare for the wedding, riding in the limo, dancing, flirting with pretty girls (Sam) getting pictures done and falling asleep under the table (that last one was also Sam). 

5) BFF Day - Emily's best friend moved to Dubai in the summer.  We have loved Miah and her family since the girls were small so this was a hard transition for us as their family lives down the street.  Emily and I planned a full day of fun for her and Miah in the summer before Miah moved and it was a super great day for the girls (and for me who got to chauffeur them around). 

4) Flying - for my birthday Keith got me a flying lesson and I got to fly a Cessna.  I thought I would get to be in the passenger seat and maybe get to try the controls for a bit but NOPE.  He put me in the driver's seat immediately and I got to take off and land and fly around Oak Hammock Marsh.  It was AMAZING.  I was grinning from ear to ear and Keith thought the grin alone was money well spent.  Maybe float plane flying will be my retirement plan...

3) New House Dreams - This was the surprise for 2021.  We found a riverfront property that seemed to fit with the new build in Wolesley dreams we have been having for a while so we took the plunge (even with Keith hyperventilating from the stress of it - sometimes that guy loses his cool too you know!) We have spent about 9 months planning and enjoying the property's backyard and hope to put the plans into the city next month with a hopeful start midyear next year. We have loved living here for 15 years but we are excited for our new adventure too. 

2) VACCINES - Thank you thank you thank you to the scientists that created vaccines for this terrible virus.  4/5 of us have had a covid vaccine now and hopefully Sam will get one in 2022.  One of my favourite days of the year was "Poked in the Park" where my friend Leslea and I gave vaccines to my neighbours in the park beside our house.  I even got to vaccinate Keith which was very meaningful to me. It was a beautiful grassroots operation that saw over 30 people vaccinated that would have otherwise had more time accessing vaccines and it was a day full of hope, gratitude and community. 

#1 OUR LITTLE FAMILY who brings me joy and laughter and smiles every single day.  I am so thankful to have an incredible partner who I love more with every passing year and 3 beautiful children who complain less than their mother does - who find wonder and happiness in so many little things - they inspire me everyday. We have had countless nights of movies and snacks, morning cuddles, trips to the park and Saturday night date nights.  They fill my cup to overflowing and I am looking forward to what 2022 might bring. 

Wishing you health, hope and happiness as we head into 2022.

 

Hey Old Man

 Yesterday we lost a colleague who was larger than life.  He was the kind of teacher that made you feel like you were an Olympic surgeon even when truthfully you were still a floundering novice with waterwings in the shallow end.  Nothing much ruffled his feathers in the operating room.  If you got to be with him in the OR you knew you were in for a good day and that you would feel more competent leaving the building than you did walking in.

I didn't just rely on his confidence as a resident.  There were numerous times as an attending that he came and saved my butt. As I got better and relied on the skills he taught me more and more the times I called him were less frequent but the stakes were also typically higher.  In some of my most difficult cases in my career (thus far) he was with me, in the thick of it, standing under the same hot surgery lights together. He always came.  You never had to worry he wasn't going to come and help.  He would always saunter in, scrub pants slung a little too low, wafting cologne, sometimes eating an apple or drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup and then when he realized he'd have to take a good look at the situation he would take his spectacles from around his neck and clasp them over the bridge of his nose to see what was really going on.  

He was the person who encouraged me to go into Pediatric Gynecology.  He told me about all the cool surgeries he had seen happen in paediatrics and thought it would be a good fit.  He sat on the phone with me once for 45 minutes telling me in granular detail about how to approach getting a fellowship and job in this area.  Very few people would suspect it was him but his approval and encouragement propelled me forward. We would talk while he did paperwork in his "office" in the men's locker room at the Old Women's Hospital.  He was inappropriate like that and in so many other ways.  He would constantly say inappropriate things but there was never any weight behind them because he would crumble into a pile of blushing embarrassment with any witty retort from me. I got used to calling him "Old Man" especially over the last year when he started looking more like one.

Our OR days were on the same day and invariably at some point during one of his breaks between cases he would come in to my OR and see what I was up to.  He would always tease me that I was doing something laparoscopically that could be done 10x faster with a cut on the belly. There was often a warm pat on the shoulder on his way out the door back to his own OR. He was terribly stuck in the old ways of surgery even though he had every stitch of skill required to learn the new way.  He would tease me but also be a bit proud that I would persist at getting something out laparoscopically that he would think was too big.  I was always proud to tell him that I did it - like a toddler reporting back - and he was always begrudgingly amused. I was still reporting back this past Friday night when I texted him about a great case that went perfectly and thanking him for making me a surgeon.  He saw that text before he died on Saturday and I'm so thankful I told him how much I appreciated all that he taught me. 

We found out he had passed on Monday morning and everyone was shocked but not surprised.  He didn't want to tell us he was unwell but we all knew.  He gave a lot to his work - he was allowed to keep some things to himself. I think I will remember that day for a long time because I had the most "him" day that is possible to have.  I spent the morning in the procedure room he worked in every week for decades.  The staff were all choking back emotion but it was obvious.  So obvious that I told my first patient of the day what had transpired.  She was so gracious and kind. So often we heal patients but they heal us a bit too - that was certainly the case here. "It'll be like he's with us" she said. He would have wanted us to keep working and that's what we did.  

My afternoon had a surgical surprise that turned a 45 minute case into a 5 hour one.  This type of case is not usually a surprise and involves a lot of planning but obstetrics is full of surprises and we certainly got one yesterday.  It was the type of case he was known for and I would have called him but then had the deepest of realizations that I could not call him.  The man who always came when I needed help, who would have certainly come for this, couldn't come.  I had to take a deep breath and know that he taught me everything I needed to know in that moment and to just get on with it.  And I did.  I could do it...even without him. I don't know if you ever feel ready until you have to be and what I wouldn't give to report back to him on that case.  I will miss the reassurance of his pat on the shoulder in the OR.  I hope he was smiling down through those surgical lights in OR 1.  

He touched countless lives - he saw women at their most desperate and had the skills to help them.  He taught us and as his students we have fanned out across this country and across the world.  His impact is not measurable - it's felt every time we pick up a scalpel or teach a resident and reverberates for generations. Rest well Old Man.

STEEP ROCK

 On Friday Emily and I ditched work and school and went to Steep Rock.  It was not the most beautiful day - a bit colder and windy but it was so nice to head out on an adventure just me and her.  She is 9 already and growing up so fast.  We listened to Stephen Fry's narration of the 6th book of Harry Potter on the long drive there and back.  We packed lots of snacks.  Only one of us went into the water (is was not this cold water wimp).  We made some memories.  It was a good day. 

215

I'm sitting out here on my back porch with 3 sets of kid shoes on my front porch. They have been out there for 3 days. This is to commemorate the discovery of the bodies of 215 Indigenous children at the Kamloops Residential School. I have talked to my kids about what happened. We have looked at the Truth and Reconciliation Commission 94 calls to action. We have painted and sat together as a family. I have talked to colleagues and friends. I attended an anti-Indigenous racism talk at lunch today with an incredible speaker. I am just...gutted. 

 These are not my stories and I don't pretend that they are. I want to hold space to hear the stories of my Indigenous neighbours and colleagues and to hear their anger and grief. I have been amazed at their ability to keep moving forward, to keep trying to be seen as equal in the eyes of the government, to be given basic rights. 

I put Sam to bed today and he asked me to get under the covers with him and cuddle. He grabbed my face and his stuffed bunny and cuddled right up to me with that big infectious smile and I just started sobbing. The youngest victim was three. I bet they wanted their mama too. I'm sobbing again just thinking about this - they were babies. 

I biked home today and there are red dresses waving in the breeze in the front yard and orange toddler T-shirts in the window with 215 written on them. This is my neighborhood. 

Sometimes I am so devastated that nothing is changing. I talk about anti-Indigenous racism or post about residential schools and people avoid the topic and don't engage. The national consciencious seems to have moved on and I don't know how that's even possible when there is straightforward tangible things we can do: ask the Pope to apologize, stop stealing babies from their mothers (even now!), rename our streets that are named after colonial settlers that profitted from residential schools. Our Indigenous leaders are working so hard and it feels like it falls on deaf ears. 

But...I reposted a story of how Mennonites were complicit in residential schools and it was shared by my cousin in BC which surprised me. None of my Mennonite friends disagreed or defended our culture. Maybe we are slowly working on truth-telling. Academia and Medicine have SUCH a long way to go. It feels insurmountable but I will keep working and lifting up the voices of my Indigenous colleagues. I'm proud that our kids go to school where they talk about Jordan's Principle and Orange Shirt Day and encourage processing emotion through art and learning about the Truth and Reconciliation Commission.

Tonight though, I will weep for the mamas who didn't get to hold the babies that were stolen from them. I hope other settler mothers are feeling this as deeply as me and that our grief, love and support surrounds Indigenous mothers in this country and embodies the sentiment that EVERY CHILD MATTERS. May that propel us to honestly work for truth and reconciliation - even if it's sad and hard and uncomfortable because it is so very necessary. 

 JUSTICE.