Dear 33 Evanson Street

 What to say to the house that made our family a home?

I've been processing what to write to our old house. The new owners take possession on Wednesday and it hasn't really hit me that we won't be going back to what feels like home for the five of us.  

Dear 33 Evanson Street,

We have loved living with you for the last 16 years. We never considered we would live with you this long. We fell in love with you the moment we saw you. We dropped into Winnipeg for the Easter long weekend in 2007 with the hopes of buying a house and when we saw you we knew we found what we were looking for. The beautiful carved newel post in the front entry. The brick chimney in the middle of the sunny maple kitchen. The spiral staircase up to the loft was incredible (even with it's dangerous lack of railing) . We were so smitten. We were terrified we would lose the bid to the competing offer but so happy when we heard the news that we were successful. Despite our happiness in that moment I don't think we could have ever imagined the happiness you would bring us. 

The first few years it was just the two of us. We used the extra rooms for board games and overnight guests. My dad set up an unreasonable amount of shelving in the old basement. We had a housewarming party where Keith literally turned the heat off in November cause we warmed the house. We mowed the postage stamp of grass in the backyard and tried to get a handle on the beautiful shade garden in the front yard (a feat I never conquered). We had so many dinner parties and Guitar Hero nights and endless boardgames. We started our annual Thanksgiving tradition.  We hosted my grandparents and their last big trip was out to visit you.

Then we were lucky enough to start our family with you.  In the dead of January 2009 Cian came home and nestled into the bedroom upstairs. No longer the boardgame room with the faux brick wallpaper - it had transformed to the blue and green nursery with the "Around the World" quilt made by his Omi. He was the tiniest thing tucked under that blanket - all 6lbs 12 oz of him. His room was showered in monkeys and buckets of love. His Opa had made him a beautiful cherry cradle that rocked him on the uneven hardwood floors with the saying underneath "Dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing".  He rested his head on the cherry wood while his Opa ripped the kitchen apart in January and installed a dishwasher (the one we had for 13.5 years actually).  Mennonites are "acts of service" kind of love language people. The kitchen was the first of the "with a kid comes a renovation" projects you endured.

Our first stumbling steps of parenthood you were with us. We spent hours in the living room feeding Cian (he was not the best at that) and binge-watching Veronica Mars.  Countless hours rocking in the rocking chair in front of the inset bookshelf looking at my classic favourites and books I may read one day. We loved the pure joy of bath time in that old clawfoot tub. 

A few years later Emily was on her way and like the women in her family before her she was bringing drama. We knew with two kids the two useable kid floors were going to get really tight. We were desperate to figure out a way to stay with you and it made sense to go down. Two kids were going to need a place to play and without a railing to the loft the basement seemed the best solution. Trouble was that no one was interested in this project. I found the one concrete company willing to take on the unknowns of a 100 year old basement.  We dug down the foundation to make sure our tall loved ones didn't smack their heads chasing the littles who built their play space in your cocoon and replaced all of your most important insides. You were the welcome distraction for my dad during one of the hardest parts of his life as he pounded nail after nail, 300 screws in the stairwell so it didn't squeak, buckets of drywall mud and an ambitious overnight project of building an entire oak railing. Emily's impending arrival meant new laminate floors on the main floor and staining every piece of oak in the living room by hand - three generations at work. 

We celebrated your 100th birthday when Emily was born - the 0/100 party.  It was a good one. You looked great for 100. And you had a new buddy who ran the show. She walked before 10 months all over the white tile kitchen floors even when her brother tried to throw trucks at her feet and she extinguished her first birthday candle with her fingers in the darkness of the dining room to the harmonies of "Happy birthday" that can only be achieved in an Irish/Mennonite family.

There was a year I spent studying for my royal college exam in the loft. What a beautiful space to spend such an incredibly difficult time. Lifted into the treetops those sunbeams and moonbeams through the skylights carried me through the tears of frustration, unyielding stress and hours of studying. 

When we got the fellowship spot in Australia we never considered selling. You were our house and we figured someone could enjoy you for the year we were away. We tucked all of our belongings into all of your extra spaces: in the attic, under the front porch, in the crawlspace and the college students took good care of you while we had our Australian adventure. That's until there was a leak in the bathroom and we decided on the big renovation. 

When we returned and I was a grown-up doctor we figured we could do a real face-lift and stay with you as a family of 4. That was the big upstairs bathroom renovation, the big kitchen redo and the addition of the mudroom, powder room and garage. We decked out the front and back too (literally!) just for good measure. You looked amazing. I think even in our new space I will dream of kitchens with brick backsplashes and cork floors. I planned that whole kitchen around the backyard sunbeam and it never disappoints - it kisses your face at the perfect time for a weekend cup of coffee.

We knew it was coming. It's like when your favourite sweater doesn't fit quite right anymore and you tug on the cuffs wishing against the inevitable. The kids were getting bigger and it was hard to find enough space. The corners we used to tuck friends and family for overnight visits didn't have as much space. We would occasionally look at other houses and feel like we were cheating on you. Nothing could feel as good as the house we loved so much. We stayed and poured more love inside your walls. There isn't a wall we haven't painted or a baseboard we haven't stained. We hosted big outdoor thanksgiving dinners and Halloween trick or treating on the front porch. We chased rainbows in the living room from the stained glass prisms. We filled the house with song top to bottom from the piano in the heart of our home and the kids would open their doors and flip around on their beds so they could hear the music. We got on with the business of living our life and loving our family.

But then came Sam. 

You always have room for one more and our little family was no exception. Sam entered the world as the little Morris Manta Ray with his older siblings SO excited for his arrival they could barely stand it. He was dragged in his little vibrating chair or in the cradle all over the house by them - there was no corner that could escape him. We were so grateful to have all 3 of our babies come home safely to your embrace.  So many people were worried Sam would feel left out because he was younger but he always believed that the world didn't begin until he descended that old wooden staircase, rounded the newel post and yelled "surprise!". 

In the pandemic we were so grateful to be in a place where we felt so safe. When everything felt like chaos you were the steadfast anchor in our lives - we had no doubts we could retreat into your walls since we had been doing it for years. And just like the best relationships we found new ways to love you. We organized how I would quarantine in the basement and slide food across the shelf at the top of the stairs to avoid infecting my family with this unknown virus. We orchestrated elaborate routines at the beginning to minimize infection coming into our safe haven. Our kids learned how to do school from their rooms, they learned how to be responsible for their brother and bake pies and cook Sunday dinners. Keith and I started Saturday night date nights in the loft and rediscovered a new way to love that space - I'm so grateful for those evenings together where our kids would pop their heads up through the floor to say good night.  

In the midst of loving you in the pandemic Keith found the rumblings of a new dream.  We had looked at houses on the river before but hadn't found anything that seemed to fit and here was an opportunity to make something ourselves. It wouldn't be perfect for us but we could maybe make the space we needed and grow to love it as much as we love you.  We thought about this so much because why leave where we love? But deep down we knew that as these babies you cradled got bigger we would need more space. If we really honestly looked at it we knew. We were staring the heartbreak of a break up in the face knowing it was inevitable and being given the gift of something that could be a new start. We were like kids leaving the nest but knowing that the nest wouldn't be ours to return to. We took the leap. But not without hyperventilating (and from Keith not from me let it be known). Transitions are hard and though our heads were ready our hearts were not. 

Designing this new house I found an ad that said "The house was designed to hug you" and that is what you did to everyone who entered your"womb-like living room" as Katie would say.  You aren't just loved by us - you are loved by our friends and family. So much of what we love about you we incorporated into this new family home. We are beyond grateful to have loved and cried and laughed and lived with you over these 16 years as a family. We hope that the new owners who are lucky enough to share part of their lives with you understand the tremendous gift you are and that you are loved by them for many years to come.  You were our "heart's longing" and you will be loved by our family forever. 

"That house was a perfect house, 

whether you like food or sleep,

or storytelling or. 

singing, 

or just sitting and 

thinking best, 

or a pleasant mixture of them all.

Merely to be there was a cure for weariness."

 - JRR Tolkien

Redemption and Resilience

Yesterday Emily finally got to perform with her musical theatre group. She did an incredible job. It was a. huge catharsis for our family who this time last year were devastated that she got COVID the morning of her performance. I think up until that point we had all been doing reasonably well with the pandemic but watching a 10 year old put a year of blood, sweat and tears into her first ever performance and to have it be as big a role as Rafiki in the Lion King (with the constant wailing of Circle of Life throughout the house in anticipation) well that kind of disappointment was palpable to all who live here. 

BUT yesterday despite a year of ups and downs with illness for our little asthmatic she got to performance day well and ready to go. 

I went to both shows mostly so that I could be alone in the first one and just enjoy the moment completely on my own. She was clearly nervous but she did such an incredible job.  All the kids put in such a great performance! Their teachers had clearly prepared them for handling if there were any technical issues or if they made a flub. There were very few flubs though - they did amazing.

I went backstage between the two shows to check on her and she had felt good about the performance bolstered by the audience reactions I think but was still a bit nervous. She was getting more confident over the course of the show and I was hopeful with a little encouragement she would knock it out of the park on the second show when all of her friends were coming.

And indeed she did! She relaxed a bit and had some fun and her singing was amazing! She's still the skinniest teapot that has probably existed but she rocked that teapot costume like a champ.

Last year's setback was really tough and she wasn't sure she wanted to do musical theatre again this year and I am SO thankful that she got back out there and tried again, risking heartbreak, to enjoy a year of crafting a show with a great group of kids and enjoying the euphoria of thunderous audience applause (x2).  What a kid.

Thank you to our friends who made the time to come out on a beautiful Saturday afternoon to cheer on our girl. Thank you to the whole Rivardson crew (even Justin on call!), Katie, Adrian - who couldn't come but gifted her tickets to Cheryl and Caitlin who were happy to use them, Olivier Poliquin who has never even seen the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast and is not the kind of kid that singing teapots were made for but was such a supportive friend and brought the cutest plant for Em, her proud dad and her brothers who dressed up and brought their personally picked bouquets for their sister.  Cian picked pink and purple flowers because those are Em's favourite and he is the kind of kid who pays attention to the details of what other people love and always wants to give that to them. Sam picked orange and blue because he is a kid who likes a wow factor and razzle dazzle in everything he does (including his bombing outfit, red shoes and gold mohawk). Em loved getting flowers from her brothers. 

Yesterday was the culmination of two years of hard work - one that ended in heartbreak and one that ended in resounding success. We are so proud of how Emily handled both.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved." - Helen Keller

Into the Woods

 

This past Friday I took my assistant to "Into the Woods" as her Christmas present.  We brought our 10 year old daughters as our "dates". Applebee's and Sondheim - what's not to like?

Cheryl is a single mom so I asked her if this is what she would like for Christmas as I thought she might want this for her daughter C and indeed she thought that would be a great experience for her daughter. IT was also a gift for me to have these two young girls sit for hours in rapt attention enjoying a beautiful and incredibly staged production of a classic story. I am happy to make little musical theatre lovers :)

The surprise for me was how Sondheim hit me so different this time around.  I have seen Into the Woods multiple times.  I love Sondheim but he isn't usually my favourite as his tonal interests are usually divergent from mine.  This time watching it though I'm not sure if it's because of how they staged it or because we had seats in the 5th row or because I'm older now (I think it's the latter) but the lyrics really hit so differently. 

It was like hearing the lyrics for the first time.  The songs, especially in the second act where so different to me.  It wasn't just campy fairytale music - there was truth and melancholy and depth.  I talked with Em on the way home about how art can hit you differently as you walk through your life and just how amazing that is.

"Into the woods you have to grope

but that's the way you learn to cope

Into the woods to find there's hope

of getting through the journey

Into the woods

Each time you go

There's more to learn

Of what you know

Into the woods but not to slow

Into the woods it's nearing midnight 

Into the woods to mid the Wolf, to heed the Witch, to honour the Giant, to mind, to heed, to find, to think, to teach , to join, to go to the Festival 

Into the woods then out of the woods

And happy ever after! I wish!"

2022 was an interesting year...

As I sit here in the living room trying not to get the illness that surrounds me on all floors (there is constant coughing) I was feeling a bit down about how 2022 panned out.  In those moments it's best to really reflect on how the year actually went.  Thankfully I take a lot of pictures so scrolling back on the best moments of 2022 there is a LOT to be thankful for and remember with fondness.  

The tough times have mostly been related to illness. Having three kids in three different schools especially with an asthmatic (probably two Sam seems to be going the same way) makes you really susceptible to respiratory infection and there has been a lot going around this year.  Probably the most crushing blow of 2022 was Emily getting COVID the morning of her breakout role as Rafiki in the Lion King.  Our entire house was crying that day. Hardship is probably more formative than the good times though so I hope what Emily remembers of that day is that we all wiped away our tears, scooped her up in our arms to take care of her. and all surrendered to Covid in the house. Her brothers flanked her on the couch and sat and watched every Lion King available on Disney plus (that was the kids idea - the parents thought that was like rubbing salt in the wound but that's what she wanted).  They never left her side.  Even in tough times their siblinghood was a treasure to witness.

Despite my holiday grumps this morning there was lots to be grateful in 2022.  Looking back it was actually difficult to pick which pictures to include.  Here's My 2022 Top Ten:

10) Championship Chickens - This summer Cian played recreational soccer like he has since he was very small and with a lot of the same boys. They started as Timbits in Wolesley and then most of them started playing through the city in the Bourkeville team since we don't have enough players in our smaller neighborhood.  They had great coaches and this year they got to the championships! So our whole family went out in the rain (me running from an overnight call) and watched on the edges of our seats (Keith most of all) as our boys won the championship game!  It was a great morning to see these guys play together and to share the victory with kids and parents we have spent years sitting with on the sidelines who have cheered on our kid like their own.  It was a pretty great day.

9) Retirement Party - The department head who hired me is also in my section of pediatric gynaecology and she retired this year.  I had mentioned to her that I had wanted to plan a retirement party for her and she agreed (much to a lot of people's surprise).  I really wanted it to be amazing as she served Manitoba for 40 years and so I may have really gone overboard for a killer night at the WAG (Winnipeg Art Gallery). Her whole family was there and they were all so pleased. Some of the old guard came and so did the nurses (man they really make a party fun).  I was so happy with how it turned out and that felt like a big win.  Another big work win was my friend Vanessa becoming our new Department Head. She is going to do great things and I'm looking forward to a bright future for our group at work. 

8) Visiting with Friends and Family - This year we actually got to visit with family and friends after a few years without doing that. We got to go to Omi and Opa's house, share a cabin in the woods with the cousins, go skiing in Assessipi with the Poliquins, spend a great weekend visit with Cara, enjoy a backyard BBQ with the neighbours, travel to Ireland for a family wedding and have a beautiful riverside breakfast with Katie. The people we love are such an important part of our lives and it was so nice to start seeing people again. 

7) Phoenix trip - Keith and I had a romantic trip away to Phoenix, AZ to celebrate an Irish family wedding (Shane and Alanna) thanks to Omi coming to watch the kids. Maja and I shared a beautiful and eventful sunset horseback ride through the desert. It was nice to remember what it was like just the two of us and we had a road trip out to Sedona that was particularly beautiful.  We had a great time with all of the family partying well into the night. 

6) All-night Sunrise Anniversary Drive - The start of our summer gave us COVID and the loss of a friend from University that was particularly difficult. We stayed in Alberta to sing with our friends at the funeral which was healing and hard and then started our drive back home. The evening was beautiful and followed by a thunder and lightning show the likes of which I have never seen. We thought about stopping to sleep in Regina but the kids were already asleep in the car so we just kept driving and talking all night until we got to Winnipeg in the early hours of the morning after a spectacular sunrise.  The following day was our anniversary and that drive is one of my favourite anniversary dates so far. 

5) Fellowship of Halloween - This year the kids could actually help with their costumes for Halloween.  Emily sewed her cape and Cian did all his props (axe and helmet) so I really had a lot less I had to do this year.  I'm so thankful the kids all still like to do a big group costume.  I'm happy to continue to do this forever.  It's such a fun and creative thing to do together. 

4) NYC - In May we finally got to use our 2019 tickets to see Hugh Jackman in the Music Man on Broadway. When I suggested the idea 3 years ago Cara and Mel committed right from the beginning and were amazing friends planning everything when I was swamped in the spring with work.  We had a magical week long trip: incredible rooftop cocktails, amazing food, super fun piano bar show tune singing lots and lots of walking and sights to see.  I love those girls so much and appreciate their friendship always but especially on this trip as I felt so taken care of by them. 

3) Nahanni - I have dreamed of paddling the Nahanni for 20 years and once I told my friend Vanessa there were definitive plans immediately to make it happen. It took years of attempting and being cancelled by COVID but in 2022 we did it! I was so nervous I had built it up in my head so much and that we wouldn't find a group of people who would be fun to hang out with for 14 days. I was so wrong.  Our group was incredible and we had so much fun together and a lifetime full of memories on that beautiful river.

2) Demolition - We waited for the permits for 8 months but our gift from the City of Winnipeg this December was permit approval and once that happened our builders MOVED.  We now own a foundation to a new house after looking at the little green house for 18 months. We are excited and nervous to start this big project and the builders are talking about being done July 2023 and while we know that is likely optimistic it seems really fast and we need to get things ready for not being in this house next Christmas which after 15 years feels so strange.

1) Our Little Family - This is always my favourite thing. Sometimes when we have been so ravaged by illness like we have been this fall (seriously Em has missed so much school poor thing) it's easy to forget the biggest gift and joy in my life is the people I share life with. Whether in this house or the next one they fill every space with love and laughter and I'm so grateful to get to be with them. 

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy (especially healthy!) 2023. We are hoping that our Top Ten for 2023 includes a big Open House party for the new house so hopefully we can make that happen and see more of the faces of the people we love. 

 

New York, New York (CaraMel Morris 2022)

Somebody crowd me with love

Somebody force me to care 

Somebody let me come through

I'll always be there as frightened as you 

To help us survive

Being alive 

"Being Alive" from Company

I have spent the last week remembering how to be alive with two dear friends.  In late 2019 I found out that Hugh Jackman and Sutton Foster were going to star on Broadway in the revival of The Music Man.  This made me excited for several reasons: the cast, the possibility of a trip to NYC and a play that I was cast in when I was in high school that soldified my love of being in musicals and not just watching them. 

I put it out there to see if anyone wanted to come with me and Cara and Mel were immediately game to book right then.  That is one of the things I love about these ladies - if they want to do something they are enthusiastically interested and ready to go!  We booked the tickets and then...the pandemic.  

We thought the tickets were gone when Broadway went dark (which was ok) but miraculously 2 years later it was back on! We decided to risk it and trust that it would be ok to go on the trip we planned.  None of us had really done anything since the start of the pandemic so this was the big test.

I was running at 1000 rpms at work so Cara and Mel set to work planning the accommodation and what was required of us to now travel in the time of covid. We wanted to live it up and we were all up for an adventure.  Mel set to work booking fancy reservations. We tried not to get too excited cause all 3 of us still had to pass our covid tests so none of us really felt the trip was real.

The day before we all passed our covid tests and this was actually going to happen.  We flew out on Mother's Day (I'll say it before and I will say it again the best gift I can give my kids is a mother who takes care of herself) AND Mel's birthday. There was lots to celebrate.

We had smooth sailing getting to NYC and we felt that was a good omen for our trip. Cara and I met up at La Guardia and checked in and set to work getting the room ready for Mel's birthday. We went out for delicious tacos at Los Tacos No 1, rum drinks and jazz at the Rum House and then back to the room for 3 different chocolate cakes from Magnolia bakery. 

Monday we went to Chelsea Market on the High Line and there was a botanical garden show by Victoria Secret.  They were handing out pink roses and peonies.  We went to the meat packing district and Cara packed her meat sandwich in her mouth.  The most flamboyant woman I've seen in AGES came up to our table and complimented all of us especially Mel, our big booty princess who was required to do a spin.  She was delightful.  That night we went to Drunk Shakespeare, an off-Broadway show where one actor is chosen to drink many shots and then they perform a Shakespearean tragedy.  I haven't laughed that hard in so long.  It was incredible.  It ended with a completely naked actor running in and doing a somersault.  Everyone had a great time. 

Tuesday we had made plans to see Hadestown.  Cara had seen it workshopped in Edmonton so was keen to see it again and I had always wanted to see it and the ticket prices were good.  Prior to the show we had waffles in the park, visited the NYC library, wandered around Mahanttan and stumbled on a little microbrewery (Mel might have a sixth sense for those) and had a lovely afternoon.  For dinner Mel had heard about this fantastic burger place that really wasn't on any map.  To find it we had to go into this random hotel and ask for directions go through a dark hallway and suddenly there was a PACKED burger joint where we picked up some killer cheeseburgers and fries. We went to Central Park to eat them. It was a very "New York" moment. Hadestown was all we could have hoped for and more despite 3 of the major roles being played by understudies.  Hermes and Persephone were especially spectacular. The story and the music were incredible. 

Mel had done a great job of pre-booking some incredible food spots and one was brunch at Balthazar's.  We ate outside and planted ourselves in our chairs (the youngest there by quite a bit) with absolutely nowhere else to be. We had eggs Benedict and Mel's request of the pastry panier. We also had literal bowls of coffee.  We laughed ourselves silly and had a beautiful NYC brunch. We then wandered around the museum of natural history - lying under the big blue whale, checking out the dinosaur exhibits and seeing the animal displays.  It might be one of the biggest museums I've ever been to and we knew we wouldn't get through it all but we had a wonderful afternoon exploring.  That evening, after delicious ramen and taking our PhD to the PhD rooftop terrace for an early cocktail, was our main event.  We had been waiting for the Music Man with Hugh Jackman and Sutton Foster for two years and they didn't disappoint.  I already loved the show from when I was in it in high school but to watch professionals do the show you love was an extra special treat.  Especially when they seemed like they were having an absolute BLAST doing it.  Watching people do what they LOVE to do - is there really anything better?  Hugh Jackman was born to play that role. Sutton Foster was a dream.  The young actors did an incredible job and were clearly mentored by these two acting showstoppers.  It was a total delight.  You think something you wait so long for can't possible measure up to expectation but sometimes, when the stars align, it can. 

After the show Mel and Cara took me to this line up and I had no idea how we got there and it was Ellen's Stardust Theatre. The wait staff sing show tunes - could there be a more perfect place on Broadway?  I think I actually swooned at the guy who sang "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" and that set ended with them singing "One Day More"  - so many of my favourites it was an awesome end to an incredible night.  Thank goodness for Cara and Mel knowing all the best spots!

On Thursday we decided to go to Brooklyn.  We took the subway out to wander around a new borough and had a great time exploring the streets there.  We finally got the bagels Mel had been looking for and they did not disappoint.  We had time for a quick rooftop drink (our new favourite activity) overlooking the Brooklyn Bridge which was our next stop.  We had planned out the day to give us time to walk across the iconic bridge and it was a beautiful afternoon (so beautiful we did not notice our sunburns!).  We got across in time for our big Mel-inspired reservation - the Michelin star restaurant Estela. It was incredible.  I could barely pay attention to what our waiter was saying because he had the most beautiful baritone voice (I confessed this to him immediately which made him laugh very warmly). He brought us amazing food and wine and we lived up our Michelin star experience.  Early in the evening Cara said "Wow the woman behind you is so beautiful she looks like Mandy Moore" and I turned around and then turned back and said "That's because that is Mandy Moore Cara - be cool" We tried really hard not to stare and let her enjoy her evening - I think we mostly succeeded.  After dinner, Mel and Cara whisked us away to another incredible late night spot I had never heard of.  We went to Marie's Crisis which is everything I ever hoped for - a piano bar where everyone sings showtunes together?  Yes please!!! We sang our hearts out and it filled my heart up to overflowing.  Sondheim, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Les Mis, so many incredible tunes and incredible singers - I loved it. It was perfect.

Friday was our last full day in NYC and we spent it FULLY experiencing Central Park.  I had wanted to go because I had never been to Central Park before but Cara and Mel do nothing halfway so the plan was to walk it end to end (the info booth lady said that most people don't do that but we are not most people!). Before heading to Central Park Mel and Cara indulged me going back to FAO Schwartz to try out the piano from the movie "Big" - that was lots of fun. We saw all of the touristy parts of Central Park at the south end and then made our way through the brambly middle.  This was particularly hilarious as we watched a large man with a small dog try to get a picture of an azalea bush we had a beautiful view of but he felt the need to climb into the fenced off area and on to a branch that clearly did not support his weight in order to get a picture he could have easily gotten from the other side.  We watched all of this from a very nearby bench and had to hold in hysterics which we were failing at miserably. We walked through the middle part of the park and the castle I didn't even know it had and then up to the northern end that looks more like the Catskills and out the top by Harlem.  This got us close to our last Mel-booked dinner spot Contento.  Harlem seems like a place I'd like to spend more time in.  It's got a really neat vibe.  We were a bit early for dinner so we went to the East Harlem brewing company for beers after a hot day of walking.  It was the perfect refresh before dinner.  When we got to Contento they had our table set up on the porch and it was an AMAZING dinner with delicious wine.  If you are going to New York you should definitely make the trip here - it's an up and coming hot spot and I would love to go again. It was the perfect last night in NYC.

I can't thank Cara and Mel enough for this trip.  I have been working so much and they did all the heavy lifting organizing where we were going to eat and what we were going to do and created memories I will cherish forever.  I am so lucky to have both of these incredible women in my life.  They remind me to live my life while I'm in it and that there is more to me than work and parenting.  They are incredible confidantes and playmates and I hope I get many more CaraMel Morris trips in my future (I know that sometimes Keith will insist that he gets to go instead of me and that's ok too cause he has just as much fun with them).  What a beautiful and memorable trip to the beautiful NYC.

The Beauty of Grey

 I had this really interesting interaction this week that is still mulling around in my head.  

One of my senior colleagues was inappropriate with me a few months ago.  His behaviour would have probably been appropriate 30 years ago and I actually feel most of it was unintentional but regardless it left me in a position to report it.  And I did.  I held no ill will towards him but I felt it was my duty to call out behaviour that was not right when I had all the power and privilege to do so.  The process was convoluted and honestly a bit ridiculous but in the end he was spoken to about it.  I chose to remain anonymous in my report because my identity did not matter - the behaviour change is what mattered. 

Cut to a few months later and I am speaking with him about an entirely separate issue.  We have this beautiful interaction discussing out passion for being "shit disturbers" and the importance of history and legacy and honouring our teachers and mentors.  He signs off his email before our call with "By the way I really admire what you are doing in your practice and teaching".  And then on our call together he again says "Amanda I really admire what you are doing...I am really proud of you." It was such a beautiful phone call and I was so happy to have that time to talk to him.  It meant a lot to me.  AND I am really proud of myself for reporting the behaviour so that I was open to receiving that interaction without resentment or bitterness.  

So much of life seems black and white right now and usually the truth lies somewhere snuggled in between.  Most people are not all good or all bad.  Your teachers can do something wrong and still be so kind and meaningful in your life.  What a gift to say aloud to someone how proud you are of them.  As the snow melts this morning and all the snowhills around me turn to grey with the power of spring I am reminded of how beautiful grey really can be. 

The Problem with Persistence in Resistance

 I've had some difficulty this week with a decision that was made by leadership at work.  In response I resigned from a particular committee that I was hoping would be more than it turned out to be. 

I was asked to reconsider in an email that was very flattering about my ability to make changes and praising my knowledge and experience.  However, I do not think I will reconsider.  I have been reflecting a lot on why I am going against my usual direction of dogged persistence even in the face of systemic resistance. 

"Nevertheless she persisted" - Elizabeth Warren

I have the ability to persist indefinitely.  I've proven that along with so many of my colleagues over the course of this pandemic.  I can put my nose to the grindstone and push through almost any obstacle and continue on.  I have no doubts I could do that here - I've done it over and over - my ability is not in question.

The difference is that I think I'm starting to realize that this request is a well-crafted and very well-intentioned falsehood.  If you have a problem that needs resolution but a leadership structure or leaders that are not highly invested in change the person most invested in that change (aka me in this particular situation) will beat themselves up trying to change something that does not have the environment to be able to make that change.  It's like trying to grow a papaya in Manitoba - I could be the best gardener in the world but it just ain't going to happen.

This is quite a difficult position for me to take because I ALWAYS persist.  I have lived my whole life persisting and, looking back, I can tie some of my need for persisting to watching my dad persisting in a similar situation to the one I currently find myself in and choosing to persist (with absolutely every good intention as he always has) and it eating him up inside.  My heart this week is reminding me of that and whispering louder and louder "choose a different path"...

When I was younger our family (in the setting of real injustice that happened to my brother) was faced with some very real heartache.  This heartache was partly due to the fact that there was no process for what happened and it left everyone traumatized.  My dad was in a leadership position (but not the top leader - truthfully kind of like where I am now) and decided (again with every good intention) to help the leadership through a proper process even when it came to his own kid.  He fell on his sword and at the time it seemed noble.  It seemed righteous and honourable and my dad is all those things.  The situation my dad found himself in however was not those things.  And despite his best efforts things happened in a way that was gut wrenching and awful and it affected all four of us in ways that we probably all haven't completely processed.  My dad was disillusioned, my mom was traumatized so badly it was like she was assaulted, I put my entire core identity into fighting against every injustice and my brother was victimized (probably twice since he also saw what happened to his family).  It was life changing for all of us.  

One of my colleagues in a meeting once said about change "another day, another way".  At the time I felt like that was a cop out.  I thought you should just push harder and be louder and fight stronger.  I have always understood strategy but I have not always understood nuance.  That phrase is starting to resonate more and more. 

Mennonites have this thing about missed opportunities especially those of us that descended recently from refugees.  So the email providing me with the opportunity to persist and work to make things better resonates so strongly and appeals to my nature of wanting to make things better.  The pull is strong. But I am older now and (hopefully) wiser and know that the seeds of opportunity needs to be planted in soil that believes change is important and possible.  If the soil isn't right it's just not going to grow.  My grandparents probably told me that somewhere along the way and I didn't hear them - saying no and trusting myself does not dishonour their lack of opportunities - it honours the wisdom they instilled in me.