STEEP ROCK

 On Friday Emily and I ditched work and school and went to Steep Rock.  It was not the most beautiful day - a bit colder and windy but it was so nice to head out on an adventure just me and her.  She is 9 already and growing up so fast.  We listened to Stephen Fry's narration of the 6th book of Harry Potter on the long drive there and back.  We packed lots of snacks.  Only one of us went into the water (is was not this cold water wimp).  We made some memories.  It was a good day. 

215

I'm sitting out here on my back porch with 3 sets of kid shoes on my front porch. They have been out there for 3 days. This is to commemorate the discovery of the bodies of 215 Indigenous children at the Kamloops Residential School. I have talked to my kids about what happened. We have looked at the Truth and Reconciliation Commission 94 calls to action. We have painted and sat together as a family. I have talked to colleagues and friends. I attended an anti-Indigenous racism talk at lunch today with an incredible speaker. I am just...gutted. 

 These are not my stories and I don't pretend that they are. I want to hold space to hear the stories of my Indigenous neighbours and colleagues and to hear their anger and grief. I have been amazed at their ability to keep moving forward, to keep trying to be seen as equal in the eyes of the government, to be given basic rights. 

I put Sam to bed today and he asked me to get under the covers with him and cuddle. He grabbed my face and his stuffed bunny and cuddled right up to me with that big infectious smile and I just started sobbing. The youngest victim was three. I bet they wanted their mama too. I'm sobbing again just thinking about this - they were babies. 

I biked home today and there are red dresses waving in the breeze in the front yard and orange toddler T-shirts in the window with 215 written on them. This is my neighborhood. 

Sometimes I am so devastated that nothing is changing. I talk about anti-Indigenous racism or post about residential schools and people avoid the topic and don't engage. The national consciencious seems to have moved on and I don't know how that's even possible when there is straightforward tangible things we can do: ask the Pope to apologize, stop stealing babies from their mothers (even now!), rename our streets that are named after colonial settlers that profitted from residential schools. Our Indigenous leaders are working so hard and it feels like it falls on deaf ears. 

But...I reposted a story of how Mennonites were complicit in residential schools and it was shared by my cousin in BC which surprised me. None of my Mennonite friends disagreed or defended our culture. Maybe we are slowly working on truth-telling. Academia and Medicine have SUCH a long way to go. It feels insurmountable but I will keep working and lifting up the voices of my Indigenous colleagues. I'm proud that our kids go to school where they talk about Jordan's Principle and Orange Shirt Day and encourage processing emotion through art and learning about the Truth and Reconciliation Commission.

Tonight though, I will weep for the mamas who didn't get to hold the babies that were stolen from them. I hope other settler mothers are feeling this as deeply as me and that our grief, love and support surrounds Indigenous mothers in this country and embodies the sentiment that EVERY CHILD MATTERS. May that propel us to honestly work for truth and reconciliation - even if it's sad and hard and uncomfortable because it is so very necessary. 

 JUSTICE.

International Women's Day

I hate International Women's Day. It feels patronizing to have a day dedicated to half the world's population. I hate that it's pink and floral and doesn't seem to do anything to advance the fight of gender equity. Some people think that it's because the fight for gender equality is old news. That after "Me Too" and "Time's Up" that we have "arrived". This is particularly stark in contrast to the week I have had leading up to today, International Women's Day. Within this last week I have had several experiences which highlight all the ways in which the journey ahead is LONG. I did a surgical case in the middle of the night this week after a young person endured pain for days in which a similiar diagnosis in a boy would be diagnosed within hours. She suffered so long that her situation was dire when she got to me. I performed her operation and there is no billing code for what I did despite there being one for the equivalent operation in boys that is well remunerated despite it technically being an easier operation. This discrepency has been pointed out numerous times but is yet to be rectified. I operated on a different day last week with a female colleague. We complimented the male scrub nurse on his use of inclusive language when talking about partners and his care for providing a safe space for transgender patients. He, however, did not hear my female assistant numerous times when she asked for equipment over and over again. He was afronted by the fact that we said numerous male partners in both of our practices refused to get vasectomies and that we should be careful as "not all men" are like that. This is not what we said and we are both experts in the field of contraception. When I put one of my patients in position for surgery and got everything ready myself he thanked me for doing all the preoperative jobs. I said I was independent and he said that "some would say independeptn and some would say an overly strong sense of self-importance". I am used to men who are intimiated by me talking to me in this manner but I can guarantee a male surgeon would not be talked to this way. There is no use in reporting this person as I will be told I need to get a "sense of humour" even though anyone who knows me knows I already have a pretty great one. I did some planning for my daughter's 9th birthday this week. She has had a growth spurt and soon her body will start to change. She is 5 years out from the age I was when someone yelled out a car window to my dad "I want to f*&k your daughter." I was 14 and wearing baggy clothes and a baseball cap. I've started to think how I am going to help her navigate that and I hate that I have to start thinking about that and other mothers have to start even earlier than I do. The moral injury that has happened to physicians over the pandemic is very real. We are not providing the care we want to because of the situation we are living in. This affects all of medicine in various ways. We often cope by talking to each other. In the last week I have had two uncomfortable conversations where I have brought up how the pandemic has affected our most vulnerable girls and even my colleagues don't want to hear about it. It's too painful. It's too much. But hiding it and not talking about it doesn't mean the problems of our most vulnerable patients are going away. Relegating these problems to the shadows doesn't help - I know it's because people don't want to look at it - but these problems are very real and only likely to get worse. These girls feel abandoned. I sat with a new mama who's boyfriend couldn't handle the stress of a new baby and bailed. That story, unfortunately, is an all too familiar one. I have had multiple conversations with female colleagues this past week who fight for their place in our system. Battling imposter system in the OR and in the lecture hall (or Zoom now). Who think they aren't good enough despite being leaders in their field. We see our colleagues even ones younger than us get more opportunity with less effort. The change is slow and we are told to be patient and thankful because it's "better than it used to be". That's one week and that's not even all of my examples. I want change. I want real, meaningful change. I want people to stop telling me that I should be grateful that we've come so far. I want male allies that step up, EVERY time to fight against the misogyny that is evident everyday. I want people to stop feeling bad for my husband when I talk about feminism - my husband is an ally, and an advocate and our marriage is wonderful and none of your business. I want my daughter and my sons to have to deal with none of the shit I am trying to fight against now. I don't want to make it a little better - I want to make it A LOT better. I don't need a Women's Day thank you very much - I see the incredible power and achievement of women EVERY day. I want CHANGE.

MORRIS POLAR VORTEX OLYMPICS 2021

 I am not a huge fan of the cold. 

I know I live in Winnipeg (Winterpeg) and that the Prairies are very predictably freezing at this time of year but it doesn't prevent me from wanting to hermit in the house and not go outside.  

However, today my friend gave me the wonderful gift of switching calls with me so that I could have an extended long weekend off and she LOVES the winter.  I tease
her about this but she is unreasonably enthusiastic about winter in this country. I thought we were just switching Saturdays but turns out in doing so she has an extended stretch of call which really made me feel I shouldn't waste the day staying inside being grumpy about how cold it is here (albeit predictably so I really can't blame the weather).

Instead I decided to have a super fun day as a family - polar vortex be damned!  We brainstormed lots of ideas of theme days today (so many I need to find that paper and save it for later) but everyone agreed on the Morris Polar Vortex Olympics.  Agreement when your children are 12, 9 and 3 is very hard to come by so I grabbed the opportunity.  

We watched some opening ceremonies from the 2010 Winter Olympic Games and it was fun to rewatch that.  Cian was a baby when that was on and I had forgotten how theatrical those ceremonies were.  It definitely got us in the spirit.  

We planned for the afternoon for festivities.  We had our Canadian flag (we decided we were all to be on Team Canada) and our maple leaf cheeks.  We made an Olympic "torch".  We serendipitously had 3 soccer medals each of the appropriate colour so we were set. Keith was his usual begrudgingly good-natured tagalong.

We started as every good sporting event would - with O Canada. I played it very badly on the violin and we (mostly Em and I) sang along.  Our opening ceremonies were throwing boiling water out on the back deck.  It's no choreographed multimillion dollar epic achievement but it was still mind-blowing if you are 3 years old.

We had 5 events planned: sledding, snow soccer, snow sprint, ice dancing musical chairs and moose riding. We proudly brought our Canadian flag everywhere we went.

First stop was sledding behind R.A. Steen Community Centre. There's a very short and quick sled there. The participants played on the "Olympic Village" fort while everyone took a turn.  Even our mascot the Moose got a turn.  Here's something interesting we learned - the blow-up moose will lose it's shape if temperatures are below -26 (feels like -35) We decided moose riding was an indoor activity. 

Gold Medal in Sledding: Cian! Cian's run garnered a lot of speed and he hit the fence at a place it was not tethered to the ground and he went right under the fence AND it took his toque off AND he wasn't hurt.  We all agreed he deserved Gold for that.

Next stop was Snow Soccer - it was the classic story of boys against girls.  Sam was very interested in the playground so his allegiance was quite split (as was his time).  Both teams made a solid effort.  Dad and Cian had a super cool move where Keith was walking easily toward our goal and then at the last second kicked the ball behind him to Cian who scored.  The girls played a much more aggressively aggressive game.  Sam even got a goal.  All had fun and we declared Snow Soccer a tie game!

We then did the Snow Race.  All 3 kids felt you needed to start in a runner's pose with your hands on the ground but I was not committed enough to touch the tundra in the Laura Second field.  I feel Keith may have thrown this one and might have ranked higher but I came in second! (parents can't medal as we are Olympic judges)

Gold Medal in Snow Race: Emily!

We then came home with the girls pulling all the boys (I had Keith and Sam in my sled). Sam had such a good attitude throughout our time outside (his sister was quite challenging - are we in preteen years yet?) so Gold Medal in Sportsmanship: Sam!

When we got home we decided to make our Maple Syrup taffy.  We had read how to do it but our first attempt sat in the freezing snow too long and was hard as a rock.  Second time was the charm here and you could almost convince yourself you were at Festival du Voyageur!

We then finished our last two games.  I wanted to have the chairs outside for Musical Chairs but I was vetoed.  Sam really got into the "dancing" portion of the Ice Dancing Musical Chairs and used the excuse to show off his excellent breakdancing moves. We then taught him musical chairs (which he LOVED) to the classic Canadian theme - the Logdriver's Waltz.  Em was the first one out here and learned additional valuable lessons about grace and sportsmanship. 

Gold Medal in Ice Dancing Musical Chairs: Cian!

Last but certainly not least was Moose Riding.  I'm glad we didn't attempt it outside as I think we would have had a decent chance of a broken moose.  Everyone enjoyed getting to ride the moose down the longest section of our house (from front door to back).  Sam loved being encouraged and loves that run everyday so it was a familiar course for him.  The kids did great.  The adults were less than stellar which the kids really loved. I somehow thought I would easily bounce on a tiny moose but at one point near the kitchen island I just crawled lying on top of it. I was at least better than Keith but that's not saying much. 

Gold Medal in Moose Riding: Emily!

We then did our Polar Vortex Olympic Medal ceremonies to each of the events.  The kids loved getting their permutations of medals over and over again to the sounds of Big Sugar's O Canada.  Sam especially loved getting a medal - he didn't care what colour it was he was just interested in getting one.  

We topped off our night with Beef Tenderloin French dip sandwiches and maple cookies and a viewing of the always fantastic Cool Runnings. Sanka was right I was "feeling very Olympic today!"

Stuck in a Pandemic with You

 Manitoba is in the middle of a cold snap.  It is way too cold outside (for penguins and every other mammal).  None of us are particularly interested in freezing our tails off so we're staying put inside.

We're heading into almost a year of pandemic life.  It feels like we've lived this way forever and yet a year still surprises me.  There have certainly been ups and downs.  This kind of life is almost entirely Sam's understanding which is wild and I wonder how that will affect him moving forward.

Spending so much time in your house really makes you evaluate how you feel about the people who live there with you.  I'm so thankful that I love the people in this house more and more each day.  I hope this time together solidifies our connection as a family.  If I have to be stuck in a pandemic - I am sure glad it's with these four amazing humans. 

New Year's Letter 2021

 HAPPY NEW YEAR!

We hope this letter finds you well.  Our family of 5 has had similar feelings to most of you while leaving 2020 behind with hopes that 2021 brings better times.  We can’t really complain though because for the most part our family has had it pretty good this year.  Yes, I had to work in a pandemic with all the anxiety and unknowns that brought into our lives, but we have been spared a lot of the hardship other people have experienced this year.  We have thought a lot about those severely impacted by this pandemic and are hopeful the vaccines improve things ASAP. 

Here’s the best of 2020 from the Morrises:

Keith 

Keith would like everyone to know that he has cared for three kids and a household at home during a pandemic and done so successfully all while being…A MAN.  Being a stay at home dad has made him even more of a feminist than he was before.  He has done an incredible job of keeping everyone sane and staying sane himself.  Our little house wasn’t completely designed to hold 5 people all the time but it’s managed.  We are very lucky that we have a stay at home parent in our house so it was easy to pull our kids from school even a week before requested in March.  Online school would have been a bit easier for Keith to help with if Sammy wasn’t around causing trouble, but we would miss the constant presence of his shenanigans.  In the summer we bought a play structure and gave it new life as our summer “project” and Keith didn’t divorce me even though the project was a bit more complicated than anticipated, so that’s a win. Our marriage is still 16.5 years strong!

Highlight of 2020: Soccer in the summer.  The kids (and their dad) love soccer and we thought they wouldn’t get a season this year with the pandemic.  Fortunately they decided to proceed with soccer but in the summer instead of the spring.  With so many other activities canceled in the summer having soccer 4 nights a week was a fun way for us all to get outside and for Keith to finally get to interact with other adults.  It was less stressful in summer than spring and Keith secretly hopes that’s what happens next summer too. Yay soccer!

Cian 

Cian entered Grade 6 this year which seems surreal.  His biggest interest is getting his own phone which he will likely get when he goes to Gordon Bell next year. He enjoyed ice camp with Scouts in January before the pandemic hit and won an ice fishing award.  He also helped his Opa build his new bedroom in the basement which is pretty cool.  He is all set up down there now and isn’t really a “kid” so much anymore (cue sobbing from his mother).  Cian started piano lessons and he went to his first concert - Wilco. In the fall Cian started horse riding that incorporates occupational therapy/core strength. He loves it and his strengths get to shine there which is so lovely to see as parents.  I fully expect to spend more time with Cian in a barn. 

Highlight of 2020: Family and friends and playing games with his new Star Wars headset.

Emily

Emily started Grade 3 - she’s in the French program. She did very well when I told her the day before her 8th birthday (March 15th) that we would have to cancel her birthday party because of the pandemic.  Good thing I had knocked it out of the park last year with her Harry Potter birthday spectacular.  Instead of a birthday party we took advantage or her big brother moving out of her room and transformed it into her Harry Potter sanctuary.  We made a big mural on her wall and had lots of fun doing that together. She took to online school very easily and had Wednesday zoom chats with her friends.  Emily went on her first overnighter canoe trip with her mom and big brother and loved it.  She didn’t even complain on the portages. Emily wants everyone to know she fell in love this year…with tacos. 

Highlight of 2020: Going to the cabin just before Christmas and spending 3 days tobogganing with her brothers.  

Sam

Sam spent most of 2020 doing his favourite activity…eating. You can almost always find him in the kitchen with crackers, craisins or his favourite; FRUIT.  He likes to “help” with unbagging the groceries so he has first access to any fruit entering this house.  Sam loves being outside, especially with his siblings or in the carrier on the back of mom’s bike.  He is the most dramatic and hilarious of the Morris children and loves to perform for his bigger siblings who dote on him. He has been everyone’s joy during this pandemic. 

Highlight of 2020: Fraggle Rock 2nd birthday. Sam was the only person who got a typical birthday in our house this year and he had a great one.  We had a few families over for Sam’s favourite, spaghetti and meatballs, and he had a Fraggle Rock birthday cake.  

Amanda

Hot off the heels of my amazing trip to Australia in December 2019 I found myself watching the brewing pandemic. There have been lots of unknowns and constant updates and changes to PPE and N95 masks. The pandemic has made it harder to care for patients but it also has been an inspiring time to work with such amazing colleagues.  I changed call groups this year and I have had such amazing support in my group which has been a highlight of 2020 for me.  I had a wonderful day at Festival du Voyageur with my friend Paul before the lockdown. I got very close to my friends Vanessa and Steph at work and Steph’s son Ben was born on my birthday.  Vanessa and I paddled the Manigotagan River this year and have put our deposit down for the Nahanni in NWT in summer 2021.  Keith signed me up for violin lessons as I had been wanting to do that and I am really enjoying learning an instrument as an adult (even over Zoom) Our nephew Charlie was born safely at the end of March.  Even under mask and goggles I still get to go to a job I love and care for people and that is a real gift. 

Highlight of 2020: Spending so much time together as a family of 5. Whether we are having “Movies and Snacks” on Fridays or playing outside or dressing up as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (our halloween costume) I know these times are precious and fleeting and I am so thankful for them.

May 2021 bring renewed hope to us all.  We think of the families and communities who have lost loved ones to Covid-19 or to other illnesses because of the pandemic. Our hearts are also with people who have suffered economic hardship and isolation.  This has been a hard year for many and I hope that 2021 brings hope, laughter, smiles that we can see and HUGS. We love you very much and no pandemic can take that away.  Stay healthy and well friends.

Love,

The Morris family 

Doctoring in a Pandemic

When I became a doctor 13 years ago it did not occur to me that I would be faced with a medical challenge this global and all-encompassing.  It's been interesting to reflect on my response to Covid-19 starting in January when I was watching what was happening in China. I knew it was coming but I never predicted it was coming here to such an extent.  I am sure there are amazing leaders in public health that did and I am inspired by the incredible work of the people (the majority of whom are women) who are leading our country as we battle this.

I seemed to have a more Draconian response than most when we had our first case in Manitoba. I felt that all patients who tested positive should be kept quarantined in hospital and that all health care workers should be quarantined in hospital until it was all over. I realize that is an unsustainable and somewhat inhumane solution but it was my immediate reaction. I had routines on how I entered and exited our home even before we ever had a case here trying to minimize the exposure of my family. I know that people thought it was overkill but that was not how I felt and I couldn't figure out why.  And then I realized I was perhaps raised quite differently as I had a very strong connection to my grandparents. 

My grandparents did not traumatize me with stories of their youth but they did make me aware.  I think that I heard more than a lot of my cousins because my grandparents were younger when I was born and I also spent a lot of time with them in my first years of life. I had a wonderful childhood with them full of love and sunshine and caring but I always knew that badness could be around the corner at any minute.  The "Russians" were always coming. (This is not a slight against Russian people this is just historically what happened in their context).  There was never a day where my grandfather didn't raise his voice in prayer thanking the Lord for the safety and security of life in Canada.  He knew what it was like to not be safe and he knew that could change very quickly. In their own ways they taught me to be prepared: live well below your means, always have a good amount of money in the bank and stock in the pantry because you "just never know". So when this happened I don't know if something clicked in my epigenetics or in my medical training but I knew this was it. 

When we pulled the kids out of school the week before they closed the schools we didn't really tell them when they were going back cause we didn't really know.  Even though they said three weeks I was sure it wouldn't be that so they were prepared for the news that the rest of the school year is non-existent. I am incredibly thankful that Keith is their primary parents at home because it has instilled such excellent mental health and self-esteem in all of them and that has served them well as they face this. They haven't complained about being home.  School isn't Cian's cup-of-tea so he was pretty pumped for school to be out but Emily loves school so I was more worried for her.  She is far more pragmatic than her mother however, which is such a gift, and she is enjoying being home with her brothers.  Sam thinks everyone is home for him so he is ecstatic.

At work it seems that this pandemic has widened the cracks that were already there. As in any good crisis some people rise to the occassion and some people's baser instincts take over. I have been inspired by the former and saddened by the latter. My friends who work in infectious disease have been outstanding. They have been leaders in the province and the country and they have been thoughtful and scientific and thorough.  I truly feel honored to know them. Sadly the concerns that were present before the pandemic that were clearly identified by people and fell on deaf ears continue to be a more pressing concern.  This will be more and more worrisome should our numbers increase and our health care workers fall sick or have to isolate. In general however I choose to look at the people I am proud to work with - and there are so many.  Everyone is affected by this pandemic and for so many it has meant financial ruin with lost business and layoffs.  I am so lucky to get to continue a job I love.  To work beside people who show up every day to care for people at their most vulnerable. When I focus on that I strengthen my resolve.

I have been inspired and heartbroken by the stories coming out of the "hotspots".  I pray every night for those health care workers and for us, that it doesn't come here in such an overwhelming way.  I also hope we come out of this with a different perspective. As far as I know there has never been an event so global in its reach and perhaps for some it will be a "call to arms" in a different way.  A reminder that we lived better when we loved better. When we watched out for each other, when we took more breaks, where we provided some distance, where we filled our lungs with fresh air and sunshine that we lived better.  I hope that Churchill's words are true - that we should "never waste a good crisis". Let us not waste this moment or the moments that come after - both personally and together as a world.